Friday, December 28, 2007
My first impressions were about good vs bad people. Goodness was associated with kind, affectionate and loving people who gave us gifts, spoke nice words and made us laugh. Bad was associated with people who were rude, jealous, get angry often , selfish who refused to help when in need and were often indifferent. We didnt know what arrogance, cunning and cheating was then . These were just the parameters to judge good or bad.
I was told that I was good when I was silent, smiled , studied well and listened to elders and bad when I got angry and screamed, behaved badly (never knew what that really meant), didnt get 10/10 and refused to listen .Then there were good manners and bad manners. I didnt know if I was a good or a bad child, but always felt that there was always someone better than me . So, I gave up competing (Or did I ? Or is the adult mind in me talking ?)
This post is dedicated to Kamalee , one of my close friends who has been after me to write ..and my mind is now racing..So I dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing
(To be continued ..)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
A beam of the morning sun fell scross his face . With a violent jerk, he pulled the curtains apart. The soft rays filled his room . He glared back at the sun. He knew his gaze was more powerful. He cannot have a competitor in his lifetime. He was the rising sun
He knew he was going to win..he had known it always.Luck or skill, he didnt care . He was always told that he was a winner and he let everyone know that . The losers didnt just lose just money or fame, for he made sure that they lost their self respect, their strength . "Never allow them to rise . They should never be able to rise, his scheming mentor told him ." He didnt believe in mentors either. They were there till he needed them - just another gratification
He had it all and he knew he never had to work for it. He simply claimed it . Others just bore his burden .
He smiled. It was a smirk . He mocked destiny. It was in his control. He loved it all. The adulation, the adoration , the admiration. The applause still rang in his ears.
The sky changed colours. Blue,pink, purple,black. The colours of life. Time moved. On the other hand, time stood still . He walked into the room. The curtain was drawn .Silence strangled him. He sat on the edge of the bed and the tears rolled. Sobs pierced through the silence. Like a hungry animal, the scream erupted from his insides and ripped through his throat . A savage cry .He raved, roared and fell in agony..he lay drained, his head covered under the pillow, his face drenched by his tears and sweat. Silence . He knew it then. He had it all yet he had nothing
Saturday, November 17, 2007
It was a beautiful, innocent face ..Soft, fair and childlike. But a face that you wouldnt give a second glance , a face easy to forget amongst the millions that we face everyday..Yet those eyes made the face unforgettable ..
Something told her that the eyes did not belong to the face . The lips curved into a smile, but the eyes burnt like fire . A glare that almost burnt her face as she looked into them .
She closed her eyes and lay back ..thinking about the day, people who have made her day and those who didnt ..And only the eyes stared back..Was there a hurt she saw , an anger that spoke through them , a cruel act that was witnessed ? She would never know because she had never asked ..And the face became faceless except for those eyes..
Sleep beckoned .
Sunday, November 11, 2007
1. Travel - I will start with the obvious and this will be the longest ..as a vagabond, all I want is the heavens above and a road below ..and while I want to travel and see as many places as possible, some are must . Amongst international destinations, I want to go to the Mediterranean including Greece, Italy and Egypt , UK (must see Keats' home and country houses that PG Wodehose describes in his books) and France .
In India, I want to visit Lakshwadeep, Ladakh, Himachal and Uttaranchal and Rajasthan , especially the palaces, forts and the hevelis . I want to trek to Gangotri and Gomukh and the Valley of Flowers .I also want to visit Rameshwaram, Thanjavur , Karwar and travel down the Buddhist trail . I want to see as many wild life sanctuaries as possible and see a tiger at least once in the wild. I want to learn names of all Indian birds and learn to identify them in the wild .
2. Roots - I want to get in touch with my roots and understand more about my ancestors. I want to go to as many villages as possible and see where my ancestors came from and go back in time.I will include my husband's family as well in this quest
3.Live in a small town/ village - I want to live away from the city , in a small Utopia that exists ..
4.Take my parents to The Himalayas . Especially my mother .
5.My dream company - My vision . I want to set it up and see it grow . I want to be an entrepreuner .
6.Write - I want to write a book - the story of the people I have met in my life ..I want to pursue my literary interests again..
7.My dream home - This is a bit materialistic..but I want to have a dream home tucked away in a corner..a small cottage built in ethnic style , with envirnoment friendly materials with huge trees and gardens and streams flowing around ..with birds and fish giving me company
8.Cook - I want to be a good cook !
9.My nature - I want to learn to be calm and patient and control my temper
10.My death - I want to live ...and live life to the fullest and I want my friends and family around me always
Why Write ?
Its like breathing ..It makes me feel that I am alive . I write as its the most natural, spontaneous thing to do...It eases a clogged mind..Its instant gratification , like ice cream ..above all its an addiction . It helps me keep in touch with my core self and gives form to the various facets within me . It creates a picture that exists only in my mind ..Its like a waterfall , where words just burst forth creating a sequence , sometimes drawn by an invisbile force ..Its like what Keats said - That which is creative must create itself !
When to write ?
In the loo, while asleep ...no, I am not joking. Writing is just not putting words to paper or screen ..its also putting words to an abstract thoughts that keep raising their heads . I believe that there is no fixed time to write ...just keep your mind awake and let the words flow
What to write ?
Truth is stranger than fiction ! Sometimes its the truth thats hidden deep in the subconscious thats more interesting than stories.. Yet , I write about life ..the frailities and the foibles, the small ,insignificant experiences , the joy of discovery , people who matter and who didnt, memories that refuse to go away and places that are etched forever in our mind and opinions that you want others to hear .. I paint the picture thats in my mind at that point of time ..
How to write ?
Spontaneously . There is always a better word for every thought and expression , but sometimes the joy of writing goes away in just searching for the right word. Its like a dream man or woman of your life ..they dont exist ..I like words that have a feel about them, that create imagery ..that evoke feelings . Mere adjectives dont mean a thing ..Keep it simple and short .
Who to write for ?
For myself ideally . But sometimes you need readers and therefore for all those who appreciate my thoughts and my writing ...
Do I tag ?
I dont know...maybe there are readers out there who may want to pick this up..but I dont feel like forcing it down anyone
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Ive have a running nose and a light bout of the flu
There are carpenters and painters all over the house and there is a lot of noise
I cant even go for a bath
I have missed my yoga class today
I still havent had breakfast
The maid came early and left early without washing my clothes or buying fresh vegetables
The fridge is filled with old vegetables and I cant cook - have to go to my inlaws place for lunch
I want to curl up and sleep with an agatha christie and I cannot
I just want to sleep..after all medicines induce you to
I wish I hadnt come back to bangalore
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I'm a frozen idea
a magnet without its force
a routeless road that leads nowhere
a corpse forced to breathe
buried by the dust
my mind caves in
layer by layer, my zest erodes-
a speck, a hollow identity
lost to the world.
tossed by the wind
i lie in ur grip
a dusty dot, a dead weight
hanging onto u
seeking the essence of life.
wrapped in this fold
i cling onto ur shoulder
a possessive grip, an unfelt emotion-
a bond that frees me
but holds u captive.
caught in this web
u shrug me off
a chaff, a burden
a thin thread of emotion
that breaks, freeing u
but i lie, a slit kite
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
A day which breaks at 7 am and ends at 11 pm . The maid walks in 8.30 am and leaves at 9.30 am. The husband leaves at 9.40 am and the door closes on me at 10.10 am .
It’s a day where nothing changes. The same roads, the same noise, the same files, the same names . It’s a day where everything is always the same .
It’s a day where work happens without you knowing it, without you doing it. A day dedicated to patterns .
It’s a day where the punctuations are there at the right places and the cycle rotates by itself. It’s a day I don’t see the clock ; for time is neither ahead or behind me. It’s a day with no memories , no thoughts ,no feelings.
To many others, it may well be an ordinary day, but to me, it’s a day that keeps me going. It’s a day that lets me feel that there are good and better days in store. It’s a day that shelters me from bad days.
It’s a regular day that brings in its wake more such dull days , like a loaf of bread with identical slices .
An ode to the simple mechanics of life – to be consistent and uniform, without even trying to be .
And that to me, makes every dull day a special day
Saturday, August 18, 2007
It can never lie on its side
Rotating on its rim
It just cannot stop .
You tossed me up too
And I fell into this mire
Deluded, I'm caught
In a maze with no routes
I see a harsh shaft of light
Your shadow falls on me
As unreal as my pursuit
Its chasing me .
Questions punctuate me
Your reply is my escape
The chase is finally over.
I am where I am.
Maybe I was dead within you
But life has caught on with me.
Friday, August 10, 2007
In continuation with my flashback series , here is another excerpt
Life follows a pattern of its own. Sometimes I feel that I am led somewhere by the reins .But all of a sudden, there is a rut. A stop . And then stagnation .Until the moment comes when small surprising incidents land in your lap,totally out of the blue . There are these special sudden surprises that are so insignificant and yet so vital for us to believe in life . I believe that there is a future. Sometimes events just ride past me and I am lost in a maze as life gallops,tossing me in whirlpools . And then I dissolve slowly, agonizingly . Its like applying brakes suddenly on the highway as the signal appears from no where and then you dont know why and for how long you need to stop.
Tomorrow never begins from where todays ends. yesterday was totally different from today.Isnt life an adventure ? You plan,organise, decide and think you are in total control of your life . And yet you do not know who controls you ....
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
I found this excerpt from my diary written a decade ago and somewhere I think this echoes my rationale for this move
Moods are like winds; they keep changing directions so quickly. Sometimes they are so still like the calm before the storm or they keep blowing all over the place making me feel restless. I begin my day determind to be positive and happily contended .But by the end I feel so low and lonely and strangely fear of something grips me .I cant sleep .I feel restless and tired .I dont know why I am afraid, of what I am afraid . I constantly pull myself up,derive strength from within,but it keeps sinking..
Today the sky painted with a myriad of evening colours emerged with a pattern of its own. Every second the colours and the patterns kept changing and though subtle, I could see myself reflected through the change . Before you know it the crimson and blue becomes grey and black. Gloom envelopes.
But against this natural scene were the tall dark ugly buildings with flashy lights trying to comepte with nature . As buildings keep growing trying to threaten the sky, man seems to tell nature that I am slowly reaching your status . But the more higher he goes, the more lower he feels. The sky goes further and he is finally enveloped by it. Man can never reach that high in life .
I remember words of Dick Francis . When we climb up to reach our heights in our career we think the climb is only a formality . But the goals suddenly keep going further from our clutches and we reach a certain peak in our lives . Happiness then comes not from looking up to see how much we still got to struggle, but looking down to see the beautiful view we have got for ourselves . Ambition is one thing ;contentment is another. Strangely in our abstract way, the latter is more harder to obtain .
And my ambition would be to get that .
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
So while I was clearing the junk in my cupboard , I came across two small pocket books.One of them was like a note pad where I used to jot down quotes,poetry ...what ever I liked from many book I read .
The other was my diary where I had penned my thoughts 12 years ago ...I was amazed at the relevance of those thoughts even today and also at my ability to write effortlessly though I wont say its great writing.Those were the days when I dreamt I will be a writer and a journalist and fancied my writing skills . Today I write , but there are just words and not much of feelings encased in them.
Since I am incapable of feeling, expressing and writing my current thoughts , I am going to post some excerpts from my diary
The first one is a poem written in January 7-8 1996, 2 am
Like withering flowers my eyes droop
I trace the caress of a finger.
Waking up in a strange land
A silent tune haunts me
My eyes are still asleep.
The world is painted in black and white
A green patch blinds me.
I roll along the blue waves
My mind flows and ebbs;
I camouflage into many hues
I dont know what I am dreaming.
One disjointed image forms my life
And yet, Life is still a dream
I ask myself a question
Am I dreaming life ?
Thoughts drain my mind
Wordless emotions clog it.
I ask myself a question
Is my life wrapped in blankets ?
My body is in a cradle
My feelings are rocking it ..
I pace across the room and think
Yesterday didnt exist
Tomorrow never comes.
My mind begins to ebb
Life gently sleeps...
I'm just a mindless corpse
Who forgot how to think.
I ask myself a question
Am I asleep or awake ?
Monday, July 30, 2007
The anger - she directed on herself . A lack of judgement after so many years . The world she realized was divided into two kinds of people - hypocrites and fools ; the manipulators and the manipulated .
The distant hum of rain grew louder in her ear drums drowning her own thoughts It had created quite a pattern on her window pane . Drops of water flowed down , washing the dust that had etched their mark on the glass . She looked outward . The cars were going in different directions . A new perspective , a cleaner look . She picked up the jigsaw puzzle and realized that it was not worth solving .
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
In a moment- there were only the streaks of golden and crimson set against the dark background . it looked like the setting sun was refusing to give up its abode .
I like the twilight zone …its beautiful and sad. A momentary burst of clours, a grand protest by the sun before giving up , a few golden moments snatched away by the night .
It’s a transition phase signifying change .It does not last long and yet it makes an impression …. A certain poignancy is reflected in the moment .
I can count the many twilight zones in my life …if only they were permanent and not allowed the nights to shroud them .
Monday, June 4, 2007
Life throws in a few surprises sometimes ..this time it surprised me myself ...
June 4 is an important day in my life ... 7 years ago and even now ...I feel a grip on myself and I know its not me holding on to me ...
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I walk in the rain and I walk down memory lane ...years younger as I tug at the rain laden leaves to shower rain on me .I let the rain purge my soul , drown my worries and wash my memories
Its raining in bangalore ... Its beautiful and I dont want to let go this moment .I love life ...I've thown caution to the winds...I want to feel every moment of my life and live it ..
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Everyone was around her …and yet she felt alone . She was loved and cared for and yet she felt lost and lonely , weak and vulnerable, confused and hurt
She felt like screaming aloud. The silence ripped through her throat , She screamed silently – again and again
I could hear her screams ..I tried reaching out to her … She has everything and yet she is on the verge of losing everything
She needs a grip. I am still trying to hold on to her
The candle flickered . Like her mind. She looked inward for a moment - a captive of her own emotions and actions . …is she answerable to anyone ?
She looked at herself again – another persona emerged. Someone she could not recognize, understand or condone .
The choices were in front of her .She knew that she had to kill the other to live her life again .
Love is a conflict between reflexes and reflections . She had read that somewhere . She read it again in her life now .
She made the choice. She now needs to live with it - to live with herself again
I often ask myself what I'm afraid of - people, places, the unfamilar, a sound, a thought ... .
I've been afraid of ghosts since I was a kid , I'm still scared of sounds, I avoid horror movies...
I'm scared of the dark shadows, of darkness ..
I'm also afraid of greed, of power , of ambition and of praises ..Its an unnerving feeling .
I'm afraid of silence . I'm scared of being alone .
I have also had my silly fears . I'm scared of lizards, dogs, of geysers and strange bathrooms, of lifts and creaking staircases .
But amidst all these I'm scared of my failures , my thoughts ,my actions . I'm scared to face myself .
I will wake up early tomorrow
my day will be good
there is no traffic on the roads
I'm doing the right thing
I will say the right thing
the bud will bloom
I have a good sense of humour
I am missing something
I am good
I am considered good
it will rain tomorrow
I can control my emotions
My judgement is right
I will laugh tomorrow
there are no cribs
I will get a migraine
the book will be read at all
I have friends
I will lose weight
I can actually start learning to trust people
My laptop will work
I will get the right people
I am pretending
I can control myself
I believe in myself
I'm taken for granted
My plans will work
It will be cold
I am overreacting
I can stop SMSg
Sleep well tonight
I will stop feeling the way I am feeling
I can ever get over it
there are solutions
I'm fighting the battle alone
Sunday, May 20, 2007
She smiled, as the moon fought its way out from the clouds. To her , it was a personal victory. Clouds of memories had choked her, as she struggled to shrug them off. The moon stood alone in its brilliance .The pursuit was in vain. She will not let her past catch up with her .
The voices kept recurring. They were ghosts haunting her from the recesses of her mind. Piercing the gentle breeze, there were like car horns shrieking through the silent road. It was the sea that had toned her down. Restless waves bathed her mind –life cannot always flow, there has to be an ebb sometime. She leaned on the rocks. The water tickled her feet . She recreated the scene in her mind.
She had almost hurt herself that night . He had been right behind her. And yet, he had walked ahead as she called out to him. “Surely, you can manage on your own, “ he had said . She had by then recovered from her fall. She smiled, looking at the thin outline of the moon . It was that look… She thought it was forever . The moon slipped again. This time, she knew it will take a long time to emerge from the clouds. He will never be with her again.
The veil soon lifted itself. The waves were hitting an all time high . Swept with passion, the foam caressed the surface, lashing at the waves. Raw and rhythmic . To her, it was a mere ritual. She likened herself to the rocks, locked in an embrace that had freed itself a long time ago. She watched as love retreated; yet another relationship cracked on the rocks . Strangers replaced friends who had become strangers and the cycle repeated itself. She thought for a moment .
The crab had climbed onto the rock. They had heard the splash together. The crab had lost its hold. They had forgotten about it. He had brought her to see the crab. The crab, was there bathed in moonlight . Relationships, she realized are often like that – the essence forgotten , the joy of being there, together gone . It was all in the mind, he had said. They met, very often, in groups. But the crab swam, forgotten.