Disappointment

I can hear my heart crack into pieces silently , a tear trickle downs, the eyes are misty. The mind lies in a cloud of confusion, moving between cold, hard moments and soft, vulnerable feelings. The silence weighs upon me, as I lie cradled in my fragile thoughts, tearing upon my insides. I let out a silent cry to the universe. Is this what disappointment feels like ?

The Pandora Box

She leaned against the window and shut her eyes tight.The present seemed to ebb into the past. Time, she told herself is an illusion.The night lay threadbare as she unlocked her mind.

The images blurred. But she heard those words .They spoke to her in a different voice. The monotone of the fingers tapping the keyboard, the murmurs, the laughter..they all merged .

It had rained a bit. They told each other stories the entire night.Dont go,he had said then.The rains formed a pattern on the glass . She retraced her steps back in her mind.

The pitter patter dogged her as she let the sound of rains drown those voices but the murmurs grew. They merged with the words that emerged now in front of her. Were they just words, or were they emotions?"Leave," he had said then. He had the last word always.

She reached out to herself. The words stirred in her dead mind. A long lost emotion frozen somewhere in the depths ..She was lost in a timewarp. Time she told herself is not a healer.

She had flung them in the recesses of her mind, as they became fossils. But no body told her that fossils will not disappear. He brought them afore again. The words had a different meaning, but they chased her. The Pandora box had just been opened. Memories flew out. With them came the dead embers of her mind. But the wounds were still fresh.She couldnt feel the pain though.

The rains fogged the window. She stood there still for a very long time, listening to the pitter patter, long after the rain had stopped.

Another journey

Very often I travel to get away from it all .The call of the jungle, the lure of the beaches and the allure of the mountains are sometimes I think just an excuse to escape from certain complexities of life and lose myself in unknown environs.

September saw me travelling to dizzying heights. I went up the highest motorable road in Ladakh at 18,000 feet and more and then took off to the cooler climes of Shimla and Mashobra and then closer home into the wilder jungles of Kabini. And yet, I didnt manage to lose myself. My thoughts chased me whereever I went ..

And finally the wild waters of Kabini helped me let go ..As I landed back in Bangalore, I felt a sense of being grounded .It was a reality check. It took me a while to come to terms with it . Im now back to doing what I like the most.Moving on.

As I chill at home, being at peace with myself, I internalize the new learnings from every journey . And the longest journey called life moves on, as I pick myself up and continue to chug at my own pace, clearing the cobwebs and cutting down the clutter. Im staying at home for a change to energise myself before embarking on a new journey.After all, when you have withdrawal symptoms, the only way to get rid of it is to get back on your feet again and move on..

Musings by the sea shore

The mountains beckon some, the forests lure you, there is a charm in an old heritage monument and a certain peace in a remote town . I often get lost in new worlds, some that let me escape the mundane realities of life.

But when my mind is restless, I often seek the waves. The ebb and flow of the waters reassure me, the fury of the waves calm me down, the foam bathes my mind and the endless space of sand, water and sky give me an immense faith in life. I realize I am a microcosm in this entire universe and nothing can change the dynamics of life. The rhythm must go on..some waves are rough, some gentle , some gather around your feet,letting your toes feel the illusion of being embedded in the sand, but they let go eventually,

However the colours change as I watch the entire skyscape enact a drama in front of me . Colours of life , I call them - rose, crimson, blue, grey fill the sky as it becomes an open palette.The fluffy white clouds flit in and out ,wrapping the sky in its fold, moving from one end to another. They change their shapes , gather around together to form a big white mass where little streaks of sunlight stream out. Sometimes there is a bit of a conflict in this paradise..where dark clouds throw a veil over the brighter ones, leaving the sky in a grey tone. Life I realize is a rainbow of colours, except we do not get to choose the palette.

I watch as the shore clings on to the waves, but it ebbs leaving the foam behind ..even that evaporates only to be washed away by another wave that drags a bit of the sand with it..I wonder if relationships are like that. The waves erase the memories, the shore tries to cling, the essence is absorbed by the shore and the sea as they carry a bit of each other when they embrace..only to eventually let go. The rocks at a far end are mute spectators to this spectacle. They remain silent as the waves unleash their emotions on them. Sometimes they lash at them, sometimes they embrace, but the rocks do not respond. Sometimes I wonder if this is what they refer to as being rock solid.

I see humans living by the sea, of the sea and I wonder if their understanding of life is much better than us urbanites who worry about mundane issues . As i grapple to understand my destiny and the forces that work within them, I look around and see the entire cycle play out in front of me.

I leave my footprints on the sands of time and wonder if my dreams will come true and if they would be etched for ever, when a wave flows up to me and let the foam curl around my ankles and erase those footprints away.Destiny I realize is not always written by us. We just get to think we play a role here. A little breeze blows past my face and the voice of the waves echo in my ears..Let Go...They say, you give back to the sea something that is important to you..I did just that.I left a part of me, left behind my mind and my thoughts so that I could feel the spacelessness and nothingness inside me, and the voice still tugs in my ears..Let Go...

Shades of grey

I believe the world is enveloped in shades of grey. Colours like black and white are sheer reflections of the colour.

Look around us and we realize the concept of good and bad is extremely subjective and relative. Do I believe in a perfect world or a perfect person or a perfect life ? According to me, its too ideal a thought to even exist .

Inside all of us lurk grey thoughts and emotions which do not surface unless we look harder. Sometimes, we do not wish to see or feel them and tend to push them under the carpet of human emotions. Many times, we do not even wish to come to terms with them. But try as we may, we cannot refuse to acknowledge or justify or even wish them away..and I think thats part of being human.

State of mind now - Restless, edgy, escapist, confused & angry with self. Above all feeling human

All's right with the world

My mind is brimming with a series of disconnected thoughts and emotions. They are disconnected because there seems to be no logical connection between each other. My mind is hyperactive .

Following one's thoughts is like walking into a maze..sometimes you do not have a way out and yet, its an interesting journey . A thought abruptly ends or disappears or merges with another thought. Sometimes a completely different stream of thought picks up from where one leaves( I choose not to use the word ends, as I do not believe there is an end )and moves on to another thread.

Here is an attempt to follow and express one of my thoughts which seemed to have a flow..I think I managed to track this down the maze and here it is...

I woke up this morning trying to stay positive - weed out negative thoughts, influencers and triggers. It wasnt meant to be. My mind was pregnant with a lot of worries and cares. Fear found its place in it- fear of facing pain, dealing with the aftermath of pain and a sense of futility and fighting alone. I was confused and wondered if I wanted to go through this. I didnt have an answer to it.It was pulling me down . I needed strength and I wasnt sure where to find it. Something told me that it was probably lurking inside me . A minor disappointment added to it. I realized that my mind had lost its ability to deal with NO's. I needed my safety net.

I walked up to the lake, hoping to lose myself in the crowd. While I was tempted to seek solitude, sometimes feeling alone in a crowd gives you the same feeling. As I was walking,listening to the voice of nature, I saw myriad feet walk along with me..some walking towards me, some walking away from me. I didnt look up to see the faces as the momentum of the feet fascinated me . There was a movement in life, of people walking along, chugging their own burdens, their worries, their joys , their little moments carrying on with life.

A gentle breeze stroked me, brushing against my hair, almost lifting me from the surface of earth. I felt like I was travelling outside my body .Like sand particles, the breeze dusted my cares away.The sky was covered with small puffy clouds huddled together,creating another pattern as the sun tried to peep outside and look down on earth

I watched the ripples on the lake . Each one was erased by another,while more ripples formed, overwriting each other. And yet, the lake flowed in peace, calm and quiet,feeding the birds, the fish , the insects . The breeze mischievously disturbed the patterns but the lake seemed to create it all over again.

I paused after an hour of walking and looked at the momentum in nature. The whole world seems to tell me that I was just a microcosm in this entire universe and my cares are probably too microscopic to be even ackowledged. They were one of the many ripples on the lake, constantly erased by the powers of nature. And its only us humans that make a big deal about a single negative moment, a bad day or a minor disappointment . Nature just erases them without bothering to analyse or even think about them.

I moved on realizing that I have to do what I have to do, go through what I have to go through and move on...

Just remembered Frost, " In three words, I can sum up what life is.It goes on."

Silence spoke to her..

She heard the voice of silence calling out to her. It spoke to her in a calm, soft tone. Touching the deep recesses of her mind, drowning the murmurs of whispers that rose , it reached out to her, reassuringly.

Her mind lay swollen like a flooded reservoir unable to contain the barrage of emotions that drowned her thinking. She looked at the static sky and wondered about the dynamics of life. The night was quiet, veiled in a thick blanket of clouds, shutting life out, lulling the energies and presumably lost in a deep slumber.

She looked again and the night sky opened up its mysteries to her. It lay naked but potent . She saw a certain brightness in it, a vibrant spirit , a wave that swept her and gently washed her , cleansing her .She wondered at the energy the night sky concealed within its fold. The momentum thats hidden, that one doesnt see and feel- the tiny stars that twinkle, the thin layer of clouds that move, the waning moon that shines, the gentle breeze that touches your skin.

The emotions left her, leaving her with a sense of nothingness that made her feel complete. Her mind was like a seive that filtered them out while the vacuum filled her. She could feel her thoughts empty her being, passing through her self like wind blowing through the surface of waters causing gentle ripples but not affecting the flow . She could feel the rhythm , the slow rocking of emotions that filled her with a passion that gently released itself from her clutches, unlocking her .

It was a feeling that she could identify with - a sense of being lost,to be a microcosm in this entire universe doing its little bit to be a cog in the wheel.

She felt a sense of ablution . The thoughts bathed her down,leaving her empty and yet full. She embraced this vacuum, it filled her with peace .

She started to unthink . Let go said the voice of silence and she just stood there watching herself being released .

When you get defocussed

email
Con call
no response
fruits
chapathi
buy saree
proposal
blog
next trip
study

Not so much in this order, but of late my mind has been travelling through various aspects of my life without any flow or a thread connecting them. I decided to close my eyes for a few secs and note down the 10 random words that flowed one after the other and here is the above list..somewhere down the line, I get this sense Im running to catch something that doesnt exist.A blur veils my eyes and the restlessness seems to be bogged down by a sense of defocus. There is negative energy running through my veins and Im currently at a loss to stem this flow or probably channelise the flow..There, the doorbell rings..

How are human beings valued ?

Two separate incidents that happenned over the last few days have got me thinking..How are human beings being valued ? Is it purely on their utility value or is there a respect for age, emotions, relations , bond, past achievements ? The incidents by themselves cannot be compared as we are looking at oranges and apples here, but they tell a common story.

The first one was narrated to me by X. In their office, a top management personnel who was once responsible for putting in strategies and systems in place was probably asked to leave as he was now redundant. In the days of recession, his CTC was not working out. He was probably a mentor to a few, but now there was no use for him in the organization. That apart, he had burnt bridges and could not handle politics.

Being in the corporate world, we have always learnt that everything comes with an expiry date and we are as good as our last assignment and we must learn to look at the writing on the wall, long before it is too late. So, for most of us, this is just another day in the corridors of power and another casualty on the block. And the survival is always about the fittest, recession or otherwise.

The other incident was much closer home and was straight out of a saas bahu serial, except that it does not refer to the women folk. A recent marriage ceremony threw enough light on who is wanted, who is respected, who is of use (the word being " help") and who is redundant . Respect and redundancy go hand in hand. You are given respect if you are not redundant and are of use to the families . A senior couple, well past their 60s and a bit unfit health wise due to certain ailments found themselves cold shouldered in a wedding they had attended in a city as they could not be of much use to the wedding party. They were not from the city and the reason attributed to the indifference was many - many people to look after ,there was "family" to take care of the couple and the couple themselves were part of the wedding party and they should probably take care of themselves .

I will not go into details here , but the long and short of it was that the two stories brought out one common thought..how are human beings being valued ? Is there an emotional bond, respect for seniority and a value for your past achievements and success or is it the sheer usefulness of an individual that is being taken into account. In corporate life, it is probably taken for granted...but in families too ... ?

I think I can read the writing on the wall..what do you say ?

Plunging..

The blue green waters beckoned her. She moved towards the wave, wondering what it will be like to be caressed by it. Her head bobbed..she floated for a while before traces of her became a ripple. The voices were a distant mumble. The fish surrounded her.The oceans swallowed her only to open out new depths ..But this is a world that she will never know

Hurt...the pain is usually caused by us

There are several injuries that are inflicted on us..A small cut, a slip here and a bruise there..physical injuries are often healed, though the pain, the scars still remain.

And there are the bruises, hidden, unknown to us caused by emotions and people, who constantly inflict the same wound again and again. No amount of insensitivity can cure this, as the mind heals only to 'unheal' again...yet, there is hope as we steel ourselves and pretend to be strong and believe that such emotions do not exist and such people are not required - or we agree to forgive and forget, only to realize that its not human after all to do so...

But finally the wound that never heals is that caused by us, on us. When we hurt ourselves, sometimes knowingly, sometimes willingly , when we allow others to hurt us, inviting the pain, the scars ...those open wounds never heal..when will we ever learn this ?

The winds of change

The winds of change were blowing - hot, humid, strong and powerful - right in her direction. She stood her ground, but they swept her off her feet. In their grip, she was as light as cotton, swaying like clouds, mesmerised by the blue sky of opportunities that lay in front of her. A brave new world lay right in front of her as she danced to their tune , losing her body, will and mind ..

And then they dropped her as she dangled precariously from the sky refusing to hit the ground , rudderless with no place called home..and then she realized the clouds were just vapour, the sky didnt exist ; it was just a vacant space that looked blue sometimes .And so she dropped on to the ground with a thud ..gathering her limbs, her wit and mind and holding on to her own ..

Many years passed. The sun shone brightly from the sky. The earth grew warmer and warmer.Days followed nights like slices of bread, identical pieces filling up the entire loaf, the void called life. Time stood still. She was wrapped in space. The seasons changed. The trees looked down on her as she gazed at them fondly, expectantly every morning . She watched every movement in the trees as a gentle breeze shook the leaves, rocked a branch, lifted a bird ..a tender touch here , a biting nip there . But the breezes stopped after a while..She continued waiting..The stillness, the routine, the silence - She longed for the winds of change..would they ever blow in her direction again..for good or bad..she needed them to live again !

She ..

Her eyes looked vacantly into space. The world no longer embraced her. It stared right back at her, almost accusingly . She stood transfixed for a moment , paralysed.

She could almost feel the silence, cold and oppressive engulfing her .The skies were no longer blue- just harsh , blinding her. There was something more than silence. She felt it, but did not know what it was. The murmurs had begun. Something crept on her arms .Its out to get you , the voices said . She shivered a bit, turned abruptly. There was nothing.

She was incapable of thought or action. The air grew thicker. She closed her eyes tightly . She tried to hear her own mind.There was silence ..she opened her mouth to scream . A sigh emerged. A weak voice from inside. She pressed her ears hard, turned inward ..concentrate , she urged . Deep breaths. A beating heart. Silence . She gave up.

The vacuum had sucked her out. Life, energy, thoughts. She was breathing . But not living .

A day in his life

The swagger, the smile. He was born with it. The arrogance, the attitude. He loved to flaunt it.

A beam of the morning sun fell scross his face . With a violent jerk, he pulled the curtains apart. The soft rays filled his room . He glared back at the sun. He knew his gaze was more powerful. He cannot have a competitor in his lifetime. He was the rising sun

He knew he was going to win..he had known it always.Luck or skill, he didnt care . He was always told that he was a winner and he let everyone know that . The losers didnt just lose just money or fame, for he made sure that they lost their self respect, their strength . "Never allow them to rise . They should never be able to rise, his scheming mentor told him ." He didnt believe in mentors either. They were there till he needed them - just another gratification

He had it all and he knew he never had to work for it. He simply claimed it . Others just bore his burden .

He smiled. It was a smirk . He mocked destiny. It was in his control. He loved it all. The adulation, the adoration , the admiration. The applause still rang in his ears.

The sky changed colours. Blue,pink, purple,black. The colours of life. Time moved. On the other hand, time stood still . He walked into the room. The curtain was drawn .Silence strangled him. He sat on the edge of the bed and the tears rolled. Sobs pierced through the silence. Like a hungry animal, the scream erupted from his insides and ripped through his throat . A savage cry .He raved, roared and fell in agony..he lay drained, his head covered under the pillow, his face drenched by his tears and sweat. Silence . He knew it then. He had it all yet he had nothing

Powerful emotions ..

I often wonder whats the most powerful emotion - love, lust, greed, fear ...I think its insecurity .

Holiday

Im off on a holiday - why do I need a holiday when I am anyways on a holiday ? Well, I need to celebrate and blow up some hard earned money .Im tensed and yet relaxed and I hope to see you all after a while ...until then ..

Locked..

locked in concentric circles
I'm a frozen idea
a magnet without its force
a routeless road that leads nowhere
a corpse forced to breathe

buried by the dust
my mind caves in
layer by layer, my zest erodes-
a speck, a hollow identity
lost to the world.

tossed by the wind
i lie in ur grip
a dusty dot, a dead weight
hanging onto u
seeking the essence of life.

wrapped in this fold
i cling onto ur shoulder
a possessive grip, an unfelt emotion-
a bond that frees me
but holds u captive.

caught in this web
u shrug me off
a chaff, a burden
a thin thread of emotion
that breaks, freeing u
but i lie, a slit kite

Delusion

The coin keeps spinning
It can never lie on its side
Rotating on its rim
It just cannot stop .
You tossed me up too
And I fell into this mire
Deluded, I'm caught
In a maze with no routes
I see a harsh shaft of light
Your shadow falls on me
As unreal as my pursuit
Its chasing me .
Questions punctuate me
Your reply is my escape
The chase is finally over.
I am where I am.
Maybe I was dead within you
But life has caught on with me.

Flashback - 2

Today has been a mixed day for me...and in two days ,my entire life will be changing soon. I have decided to move on from my high profile job for various reasons which even if I want to express, I dont have the bandwidth to do so . This job has hijacked my life over the last few years and I was living, breathing and enjoying it . And yet I made the choice . Very rationally . In a couple of days ,its all over . CTRL. ALT. DEL. I feel numb and tired . Nothing else

I found this excerpt from my diary written a decade ago and somewhere I think this echoes my rationale for this move

April 4,1996
Moods are like winds; they keep changing directions so quickly. Sometimes they are so still like the calm before the storm or they keep blowing all over the place making me feel restless. I begin my day determind to be positive and happily contended .But by the end I feel so low and lonely and strangely fear of something grips me .I cant sleep .I feel restless and tired .I dont know why I am afraid, of what I am afraid . I constantly pull myself up,derive strength from within,but it keeps sinking..

Today the sky painted with a myriad of evening colours emerged with a pattern of its own. Every second the colours and the patterns kept changing and though subtle, I could see myself reflected through the change . Before you know it the crimson and blue becomes grey and black. Gloom envelopes.

But against this natural scene were the tall dark ugly buildings with flashy lights trying to comepte with nature . As buildings keep growing trying to threaten the sky, man seems to tell nature that I am slowly reaching your status . But the more higher he goes, the more lower he feels. The sky goes further and he is finally enveloped by it. Man can never reach that high in life .

I remember words of Dick Francis . When we climb up to reach our heights in our career we think the climb is only a formality . But the goals suddenly keep going further from our clutches and we reach a certain peak in our lives . Happiness then comes not from looking up to see how much we still got to struggle, but looking down to see the beautiful view we have got for ourselves . Ambition is one thing ;contentment is another. Strangely in our abstract way, the latter is more harder to obtain .

And my ambition would be to get that .

Flashback ...

Throwing junk is a metaphoric experience for me ..Its always helped me to clear the junk in my life, to purge my mind and wake up fresh ..

So while I was clearing the junk in my cupboard , I came across two small pocket books.One of them was like a note pad where I used to jot down quotes,poetry ...what ever I liked from many book I read .

The other was my diary where I had penned my thoughts 12 years ago ...I was amazed at the relevance of those thoughts even today and also at my ability to write effortlessly though I wont say its great writing.Those were the days when I dreamt I will be a writer and a journalist and fancied my writing skills . Today I write , but there are just words and not much of feelings encased in them.

Since I am incapable of feeling, expressing and writing my current thoughts , I am going to post some excerpts from my diary

The first one is a poem written in January 7-8 1996, 2 am

Like withering flowers my eyes droop
I trace the caress of a finger.
Waking up in a strange land
A silent tune haunts me
My eyes are still asleep.
The world is painted in black and white
A green patch blinds me.
I roll along the blue waves
My mind flows and ebbs;
I camouflage into many hues
I dont know what I am dreaming.
One disjointed image forms my life
And yet, Life is still a dream

I ask myself a question
Am I dreaming life ?
Thoughts drain my mind
Wordless emotions clog it.
I ask myself a question
Is my life wrapped in blankets ?
My body is in a cradle
My feelings are rocking it ..
I pace across the room and think
Yesterday didnt exist
Tomorrow never comes.
My mind begins to ebb
Life gently sleeps...

I'm just a mindless corpse
Who forgot how to think.
I ask myself a question
Am I asleep or awake ?