Rolling stones gather moss

In my profile, Ive stated that I believe that a rolling stone gathers moss. One of my followers had asked me to explain and I had left that comment hanging then..However it didn't escape my thoughts and so I decided to explain my take on it.

I believe that we are all like stones rolling through life. As we pass by various stages,we rub shoulders against various people, collect dust through different jobs and polish our edges with learnings and finally come in contact with moss . Sometimes the moss sticks to us and adds to what I call an experience.

Sometimes we pause our journey of life, when we think we settle down in a job or a relationship, but the unsettled mind continues to roll adding more layers of moss within us. Sometimes the moss stays behind when we leave our temporary footprints behind, only to be replaced by new moss as we move along..we do renew the layer from time to time, shedding the old experiences and adding new learnings as we pass by one stage of life to another.

I love birthdays

In an hour, I will start celebrating. A special day that reminds me to look at the vast endless spectrum called life, filled with people and emotions. I often spend a few minutes before my birthday to reflect on the special moments and people in my life. Today as I think about the joys and sorrows that made 2009 , I remember some emotions and people from that year. The fear that gripped me when my father was in the hospital, the assurance that I saw in my mother's face, the grin in Sharath's face and (relief in mine)when I came back to the hospital room from the operation theatre, the peace that I saw in aunty's face when she opened her eyes to see me before breathing her last. Some close friends have stayed with me through these troubled phases and have brought me out of some of my worst phases this year.But each phase has been a learning curve as I emerge out of it to celebrate again. I am gifting myself a healthy outlook of life-not just the physical human body, but an overall mental and emotional health too..Ive promised myself that starting now, I will enter into a no conflict zone. Happy Birthday to me.

Another day in his life

" What do you want me to write ? " her voice is almost a whisper, but he senses the controlled aggression .

He laughs a bit and pats her hand. "Anything you like, you want, your happy memories, anything you remember.." He gives her a kindly smile, but she cuts him , her voice now rising a bit ."Is this your patronising best? " she glares at him fixing her eyes right into his.

He coughs and turns his head away and tries to smile again, but she retorts as if reading his mind, " Scared arent you, that I might.." He takes a deep breath. The tension between them passes in a moment that can be felt only in the rhythmic beating of the hearts .

"What do you want me to write ?" Her voice becomes a whisper again and she covers her face with her hands.." My most vulnerable moments, my angry days, my depressed thoughts, my violent moods, my lonely pain,my weakest actions...you think I deserve all this ?"she looks almost pleadingly at him, looking for a bit of sympathy.

"No, he replies a bit coldly, rather detached.." Your life is not unique..dont come here looking for pity , now write..

She walks away a few minutes later with the blank paper in hand as he wipes the sweat off his brow, and presses the bell. Another crazy day , thought the psychiatrist as the next patient walks in .

For Aunty..

Its a tragic day for me today. I just lost someone who is very close to me - my aunty, who was one of the reasons I cherished my life in Mumbai..I remember going to her house as a naive 22 year old with no roof over my head,thrown out of my PG of 3 months.It was my first job in Mumbai , with a princely salary of 5K and my friend, Sujata was staying over there. She told me I could stay for 15 days till I found a roof and I slept the first night on the floor in the hall. She apologised to me the next day and told me I could stay with her in her room if I didnt mind and from that day, a deep bond grew between us. We shared our joys and sorrows, cracked up over bhel and boondi raitha, watched movies, had custard and cakes in the nights, bitched about boyfriends and bosses and travelled to quite a few places...I changed cities, but almost every job brought be back to Mumbai again..She would say," Tumhare liye mere ghar me hamesha ek bed hai.." It was more than just that.

In today's day and age, a lot of people come and go out of our lives.Many friendships, relationships break over silly reasons of ego and anger. And the memories fade away.Today,a relationship died but my aunty lives on..my landlady who for a few thousand rupees built a strong emotional bond with me, tolerated my angst and temper, laughed and cried with me and always wished me well..whenever I had a new job ,she would say, " Tum mere ghar se jaa rahe ho..sab achcha hi hoga.." I left her house day before yesterday and will never see her again.Aunty, ham aapko bahut miss kar rahe hain..

Sometimes, you just need to kill your darlings

I have been going through a severe writer's block for a while. Lack of focus compounded the issue as a few issues were weighing down my mind. My emotional highs and lows added to the entire problem as I am trying to grapple with an incident that happened more than ten days ago. Nevertheless, as I moved on listening to the head rather than the heart, the mind refused to stay focussed.

So I was struggling the entire day having written just one sentence of a 2000 word piece. I almost gave up when Arun, a blogger and friend asked me if I had managed to write the second line. I laughed and sent him the line I had written , telling him to continue from there. He read the line and in his own pragmatic way told me that it is not his kind of line. I replied indifferently that thats the only line I have for now, for words found expression in that single sentence . I shut the system and meditated for a while and then went on a walk.

As I played Arun's reply in my mind, I wondered if the problem was really the writer's block or my own inadequacies or the issues that refused to go away from my mind. Suddenly it struck me that the problem was so in my face and the solution was extremely simple. It was exactly what Arun said. The problem was the opening line. It wasnt a bad sentence , but it wasnt the right line for this particular travelogue that I was writing and hence I could not really continue. It was a deadlock and there was nothing more to say . In other words, I had to change the approach and the thought process.

I returned to my desk and changed the first line and sat down to write my story .My first cut of 1800 words poured out in less than three hours. I did struggle and several parts still need to be rewritten, but I had crossed the initial hurdle. After 12 hours of holding on to a single sentence, I deleted it and wrote 1800 words in less than 3 hours.Sometimes I realized you need to stop clinging and just need to kill your darlings cos they dont really work out.

I paused for a moment after writing like a demon possessed and wondered why I did not apply this logic to the other issues weighing on my mind. Probably, if I had the right approach, the incident would not have happenned at all to begin with , but whats done cant be undone. Nevertheless, I realized that I could still use the thought to get over it. After all, its just about changing the line, the thought, the approach and your own point of view, wrt people or issues. Its about realizing that whether its people or thoughts, you need to stop clinging on to them and kill your own darlings, cos they may not be the right ones for you.I just did .

Another journey

Very often I travel to get away from it all .The call of the jungle, the lure of the beaches and the allure of the mountains are sometimes I think just an excuse to escape from certain complexities of life and lose myself in unknown environs.

September saw me travelling to dizzying heights. I went up the highest motorable road in Ladakh at 18,000 feet and more and then took off to the cooler climes of Shimla and Mashobra and then closer home into the wilder jungles of Kabini. And yet, I didnt manage to lose myself. My thoughts chased me whereever I went ..

And finally the wild waters of Kabini helped me let go ..As I landed back in Bangalore, I felt a sense of being grounded .It was a reality check. It took me a while to come to terms with it . Im now back to doing what I like the most.Moving on.

As I chill at home, being at peace with myself, I internalize the new learnings from every journey . And the longest journey called life moves on, as I pick myself up and continue to chug at my own pace, clearing the cobwebs and cutting down the clutter. Im staying at home for a change to energise myself before embarking on a new journey.After all, when you have withdrawal symptoms, the only way to get rid of it is to get back on your feet again and move on..

Musings by the sea shore

The mountains beckon some, the forests lure you, there is a charm in an old heritage monument and a certain peace in a remote town . I often get lost in new worlds, some that let me escape the mundane realities of life.

But when my mind is restless, I often seek the waves. The ebb and flow of the waters reassure me, the fury of the waves calm me down, the foam bathes my mind and the endless space of sand, water and sky give me an immense faith in life. I realize I am a microcosm in this entire universe and nothing can change the dynamics of life. The rhythm must go on..some waves are rough, some gentle , some gather around your feet,letting your toes feel the illusion of being embedded in the sand, but they let go eventually,

However the colours change as I watch the entire skyscape enact a drama in front of me . Colours of life , I call them - rose, crimson, blue, grey fill the sky as it becomes an open palette.The fluffy white clouds flit in and out ,wrapping the sky in its fold, moving from one end to another. They change their shapes , gather around together to form a big white mass where little streaks of sunlight stream out. Sometimes there is a bit of a conflict in this paradise..where dark clouds throw a veil over the brighter ones, leaving the sky in a grey tone. Life I realize is a rainbow of colours, except we do not get to choose the palette.

I watch as the shore clings on to the waves, but it ebbs leaving the foam behind ..even that evaporates only to be washed away by another wave that drags a bit of the sand with it..I wonder if relationships are like that. The waves erase the memories, the shore tries to cling, the essence is absorbed by the shore and the sea as they carry a bit of each other when they embrace..only to eventually let go. The rocks at a far end are mute spectators to this spectacle. They remain silent as the waves unleash their emotions on them. Sometimes they lash at them, sometimes they embrace, but the rocks do not respond. Sometimes I wonder if this is what they refer to as being rock solid.

I see humans living by the sea, of the sea and I wonder if their understanding of life is much better than us urbanites who worry about mundane issues . As i grapple to understand my destiny and the forces that work within them, I look around and see the entire cycle play out in front of me.

I leave my footprints on the sands of time and wonder if my dreams will come true and if they would be etched for ever, when a wave flows up to me and let the foam curl around my ankles and erase those footprints away.Destiny I realize is not always written by us. We just get to think we play a role here. A little breeze blows past my face and the voice of the waves echo in my ears..Let Go...They say, you give back to the sea something that is important to you..I did just that.I left a part of me, left behind my mind and my thoughts so that I could feel the spacelessness and nothingness inside me, and the voice still tugs in my ears..Let Go...

Silence spoke to her..

She heard the voice of silence calling out to her. It spoke to her in a calm, soft tone. Touching the deep recesses of her mind, drowning the murmurs of whispers that rose , it reached out to her, reassuringly.

Her mind lay swollen like a flooded reservoir unable to contain the barrage of emotions that drowned her thinking. She looked at the static sky and wondered about the dynamics of life. The night was quiet, veiled in a thick blanket of clouds, shutting life out, lulling the energies and presumably lost in a deep slumber.

She looked again and the night sky opened up its mysteries to her. It lay naked but potent . She saw a certain brightness in it, a vibrant spirit , a wave that swept her and gently washed her , cleansing her .She wondered at the energy the night sky concealed within its fold. The momentum thats hidden, that one doesnt see and feel- the tiny stars that twinkle, the thin layer of clouds that move, the waning moon that shines, the gentle breeze that touches your skin.

The emotions left her, leaving her with a sense of nothingness that made her feel complete. Her mind was like a seive that filtered them out while the vacuum filled her. She could feel her thoughts empty her being, passing through her self like wind blowing through the surface of waters causing gentle ripples but not affecting the flow . She could feel the rhythm , the slow rocking of emotions that filled her with a passion that gently released itself from her clutches, unlocking her .

It was a feeling that she could identify with - a sense of being lost,to be a microcosm in this entire universe doing its little bit to be a cog in the wheel.

She felt a sense of ablution . The thoughts bathed her down,leaving her empty and yet full. She embraced this vacuum, it filled her with peace .

She started to unthink . Let go said the voice of silence and she just stood there watching herself being released .

When you get defocussed

email
Con call
no response
fruits
chapathi
buy saree
proposal
blog
next trip
study

Not so much in this order, but of late my mind has been travelling through various aspects of my life without any flow or a thread connecting them. I decided to close my eyes for a few secs and note down the 10 random words that flowed one after the other and here is the above list..somewhere down the line, I get this sense Im running to catch something that doesnt exist.A blur veils my eyes and the restlessness seems to be bogged down by a sense of defocus. There is negative energy running through my veins and Im currently at a loss to stem this flow or probably channelise the flow..There, the doorbell rings..

How are human beings valued ?

Two separate incidents that happenned over the last few days have got me thinking..How are human beings being valued ? Is it purely on their utility value or is there a respect for age, emotions, relations , bond, past achievements ? The incidents by themselves cannot be compared as we are looking at oranges and apples here, but they tell a common story.

The first one was narrated to me by X. In their office, a top management personnel who was once responsible for putting in strategies and systems in place was probably asked to leave as he was now redundant. In the days of recession, his CTC was not working out. He was probably a mentor to a few, but now there was no use for him in the organization. That apart, he had burnt bridges and could not handle politics.

Being in the corporate world, we have always learnt that everything comes with an expiry date and we are as good as our last assignment and we must learn to look at the writing on the wall, long before it is too late. So, for most of us, this is just another day in the corridors of power and another casualty on the block. And the survival is always about the fittest, recession or otherwise.

The other incident was much closer home and was straight out of a saas bahu serial, except that it does not refer to the women folk. A recent marriage ceremony threw enough light on who is wanted, who is respected, who is of use (the word being " help") and who is redundant . Respect and redundancy go hand in hand. You are given respect if you are not redundant and are of use to the families . A senior couple, well past their 60s and a bit unfit health wise due to certain ailments found themselves cold shouldered in a wedding they had attended in a city as they could not be of much use to the wedding party. They were not from the city and the reason attributed to the indifference was many - many people to look after ,there was "family" to take care of the couple and the couple themselves were part of the wedding party and they should probably take care of themselves .

I will not go into details here , but the long and short of it was that the two stories brought out one common thought..how are human beings being valued ? Is there an emotional bond, respect for seniority and a value for your past achievements and success or is it the sheer usefulness of an individual that is being taken into account. In corporate life, it is probably taken for granted...but in families too ... ?

I think I can read the writing on the wall..what do you say ?

The Mirror

The glass looked a bit worn out and discoloured. The grime had stuck to it like glue and stubborn patches made their mark in the otherwise shiny surface . But he didnt seem to mind. It had become a habit for him to stand in front of it for a few minutes everyday.The glare of the sun reflected through the glass. The eyes stared back at him. Cold, unemotional. He was not looking at the dry tanned skin nor the lines that had etched themselves. He had that ageless look about him. He pushed a strand of smooth wavy hair that had fallen over his eyes . He splashed water on his eyes and stared again . Those eyes bored into his , almost piercing through him. He looked away disappointed .

It was a daily ritual. The mirror seemed to tell him something.It showed him his tanned skin, his bright features, his cold eyes, his deep lines, his ageless face - but it could not show him something that he was been looking for all these years...his IDENTITY .

Boomerang

Sometimes life is like a game of boomerang. Words hurl only to hurt us. We think we are hurt by others and retaliate by hurting them and they in turn hurt us back. In the end, we are the ones who are hurt . We think someone hurts us, but actually we have hurt ourselves.

Musings..

Go with the flow..the inner voice said..I am, I am she replied, wondering if there is a flow at all ..

Memoir in six words

Ceedy had an interesting post on writing a memoir in six words..this is the first thing that struck me about myself

I am not what I am .

The winds of change

The winds of change were blowing - hot, humid, strong and powerful - right in her direction. She stood her ground, but they swept her off her feet. In their grip, she was as light as cotton, swaying like clouds, mesmerised by the blue sky of opportunities that lay in front of her. A brave new world lay right in front of her as she danced to their tune , losing her body, will and mind ..

And then they dropped her as she dangled precariously from the sky refusing to hit the ground , rudderless with no place called home..and then she realized the clouds were just vapour, the sky didnt exist ; it was just a vacant space that looked blue sometimes .And so she dropped on to the ground with a thud ..gathering her limbs, her wit and mind and holding on to her own ..

Many years passed. The sun shone brightly from the sky. The earth grew warmer and warmer.Days followed nights like slices of bread, identical pieces filling up the entire loaf, the void called life. Time stood still. She was wrapped in space. The seasons changed. The trees looked down on her as she gazed at them fondly, expectantly every morning . She watched every movement in the trees as a gentle breeze shook the leaves, rocked a branch, lifted a bird ..a tender touch here , a biting nip there . But the breezes stopped after a while..She continued waiting..The stillness, the routine, the silence - She longed for the winds of change..would they ever blow in her direction again..for good or bad..she needed them to live again !

A day in his life

The swagger, the smile. He was born with it. The arrogance, the attitude. He loved to flaunt it.

A beam of the morning sun fell scross his face . With a violent jerk, he pulled the curtains apart. The soft rays filled his room . He glared back at the sun. He knew his gaze was more powerful. He cannot have a competitor in his lifetime. He was the rising sun

He knew he was going to win..he had known it always.Luck or skill, he didnt care . He was always told that he was a winner and he let everyone know that . The losers didnt just lose just money or fame, for he made sure that they lost their self respect, their strength . "Never allow them to rise . They should never be able to rise, his scheming mentor told him ." He didnt believe in mentors either. They were there till he needed them - just another gratification

He had it all and he knew he never had to work for it. He simply claimed it . Others just bore his burden .

He smiled. It was a smirk . He mocked destiny. It was in his control. He loved it all. The adulation, the adoration , the admiration. The applause still rang in his ears.

The sky changed colours. Blue,pink, purple,black. The colours of life. Time moved. On the other hand, time stood still . He walked into the room. The curtain was drawn .Silence strangled him. He sat on the edge of the bed and the tears rolled. Sobs pierced through the silence. Like a hungry animal, the scream erupted from his insides and ripped through his throat . A savage cry .He raved, roared and fell in agony..he lay drained, his head covered under the pillow, his face drenched by his tears and sweat. Silence . He knew it then. He had it all yet he had nothing

Dreams, desires and death

Pijush has tagged me again and this time its about dreams and desires that I want to fulfill before I die ... I have a lot of them,so hopefully death will wait awhile- a morbid thought indeed..but kal kya ho kisne jaana ?

1. Travel - I will start with the obvious and this will be the longest ..as a vagabond, all I want is the heavens above and a road below ..and while I want to travel and see as many places as possible, some are must . Amongst international destinations, I want to go to the Mediterranean including Greece, Italy and Egypt , UK (must see Keats' home and country houses that PG Wodehose describes in his books) and France .

In India, I want to visit Lakshwadeep, Ladakh, Himachal and Uttaranchal and Rajasthan , especially the palaces, forts and the hevelis . I want to trek to Gangotri and Gomukh and the Valley of Flowers .I also want to visit Rameshwaram, Thanjavur , Karwar and travel down the Buddhist trail . I want to see as many wild life sanctuaries as possible and see a tiger at least once in the wild. I want to learn names of all Indian birds and learn to identify them in the wild .

2. Roots - I want to get in touch with my roots and understand more about my ancestors. I want to go to as many villages as possible and see where my ancestors came from and go back in time.I will include my husband's family as well in this quest

3.Live in a small town/ village - I want to live away from the city , in a small Utopia that exists ..

4.Take my parents to The Himalayas . Especially my mother .

5.My dream company - My vision . I want to set it up and see it grow . I want to be an entrepreuner .

6.Write - I want to write a book - the story of the people I have met in my life ..I want to pursue my literary interests again..

7.My dream home - This is a bit materialistic..but I want to have a dream home tucked away in a corner..a small cottage built in ethnic style , with envirnoment friendly materials with huge trees and gardens and streams flowing around ..with birds and fish giving me company

8.Cook - I want to be a good cook !

9.My nature - I want to learn to be calm and patient and control my temper

10.My death - I want to live ...and live life to the fullest and I want my friends and family around me always

Powerful emotions ..

I often wonder whats the most powerful emotion - love, lust, greed, fear ...I think its insecurity .

Celebrating the ordinary

This is the story of a dull day. A day which is not good or bad, but just dull. A day bereft of emotions . A day which has indifference written all over it .

A day which breaks at 7 am and ends at 11 pm . The maid walks in 8.30 am and leaves at 9.30 am. The husband leaves at 9.40 am and the door closes on me at 10.10 am .

It’s a day where nothing changes. The same roads, the same noise, the same files, the same names . It’s a day where everything is always the same .

It’s a day where work happens without you knowing it, without you doing it. A day dedicated to patterns .

It’s a day where the punctuations are there at the right places and the cycle rotates by itself. It’s a day I don’t see the clock ; for time is neither ahead or behind me. It’s a day with no memories , no thoughts ,no feelings.

To many others, it may well be an ordinary day, but to me, it’s a day that keeps me going. It’s a day that lets me feel that there are good and better days in store. It’s a day that shelters me from bad days.

It’s a regular day that brings in its wake more such dull days , like a loaf of bread with identical slices .

An ode to the simple mechanics of life – to be consistent and uniform, without even trying to be .

And that to me, makes every dull day a special day

Flashback - 3

IN my life so far,most of the things have happenned by default and not by design- be it in career,relationships, achievements and failures . I have this unshakeable belief in fate and life and thats completely positive . I have made my decisions alright , but even that I believe is not out of design . Very often I say I take the call when to get out of something , but getting something and getting into it -life has always dropped them on my lap - both bouquets and brickbats .More of the former than latter . And in such scenarios,there is no room for decisons . They just happen .

In continuation with my flashback series , here is another excerpt
9/10/95
Life follows a pattern of its own. Sometimes I feel that I am led somewhere by the reins .But all of a sudden, there is a rut. A stop . And then stagnation .Until the moment comes when small surprising incidents land in your lap,totally out of the blue . There are these special sudden surprises that are so insignificant and yet so vital for us to believe in life . I believe that there is a future. Sometimes events just ride past me and I am lost in a maze as life gallops,tossing me in whirlpools . And then I dissolve slowly, agonizingly . Its like applying brakes suddenly on the highway as the signal appears from no where and then you dont know why and for how long you need to stop.

Tomorrow never begins from where todays ends. yesterday was totally different from today.Isnt life an adventure ? You plan,organise, decide and think you are in total control of your life . And yet you do not know who controls you ....