Nostalgia

I met a college friend yesterday after a gap of nearly 12 years and we created quite a riot.Needless to say, we cracked up over men and matters, women and their foibles and people who had walked in and out of our lives. We spent some time remembering "our aunty" who took care of us, even though we were just PGs ..and we wondered how we managed to retain our sanity in that mad world called media , in a chaotic city called Bombay, which was then home to us;we were the homeless, trying to seek a career and an identity.. For many years, after I left Bombay, I always felt that I carried a part of it in me and I often attribute the city for moulding me and giving me a sense of confidence and individuality..anyways thats for another post..

Coming back to yesterday's evening, we drifted into a blissful past where responsibility just meant to keep our heads above trouble, learning a bit about our careers and people who shaped our careers and to maintain a simple lifestyle with a measly salary . Yet, we were fiercely independent, keen on charting our own destinys and yet learning to enjoy life and its moments..We were a bit naive, says my friend . Not like today's generation, I agree, even though they are probably a decade or more younger than us. And yet, I believe that in our innocence, was our maturity..we were not so insecure, not yet bitten by peer pressure, no wannabe lifestyles for us, no uncalled for attitude . Silent and determind, mad in our own way,we were probably learning to balance a career with independence.We were at the age where we were learning to differentiate between boyfriends and friends who were boys, understanding that flings are not relationships and we were quick to pick up the pieces and move on... We didnt fall by the wayside, yet were grounded enough to realize that ambition was made of sterner stuff and we lived our life according to our terms

The evening passed and with it, a montage of life during the last decade. A decade that was probably a lifetime to us. The vignettes from our past took us on a heady journey where we were on a high and yet not drunk. We were sailing, flying and buzzing past life and yet, when the evening ended, life came back to a standstill. A full stop in many ways. And thats why I say nostalgia is a dangerous thing. It takes you to a real world, a world that features you and yet, a world that you will probably never see again . It hurts even more if its a happier world. It is illusionary, yet not an illusion but it creates a void. Nostalgia chases you all the time..If its a happy memory, we cling to it and are unable to let go. If its sad, well, you dont even want to think about it, even if nostalgia catches up with you . It sends you into a fool's paradise and then takes you down teary lanes and makes you wake up to emptiness.Ultimately it leads you nowhere..

Flashback - 3

IN my life so far,most of the things have happenned by default and not by design- be it in career,relationships, achievements and failures . I have this unshakeable belief in fate and life and thats completely positive . I have made my decisions alright , but even that I believe is not out of design . Very often I say I take the call when to get out of something , but getting something and getting into it -life has always dropped them on my lap - both bouquets and brickbats .More of the former than latter . And in such scenarios,there is no room for decisons . They just happen .

In continuation with my flashback series , here is another excerpt
9/10/95
Life follows a pattern of its own. Sometimes I feel that I am led somewhere by the reins .But all of a sudden, there is a rut. A stop . And then stagnation .Until the moment comes when small surprising incidents land in your lap,totally out of the blue . There are these special sudden surprises that are so insignificant and yet so vital for us to believe in life . I believe that there is a future. Sometimes events just ride past me and I am lost in a maze as life gallops,tossing me in whirlpools . And then I dissolve slowly, agonizingly . Its like applying brakes suddenly on the highway as the signal appears from no where and then you dont know why and for how long you need to stop.

Tomorrow never begins from where todays ends. yesterday was totally different from today.Isnt life an adventure ? You plan,organise, decide and think you are in total control of your life . And yet you do not know who controls you ....

Flashback - 2

Today has been a mixed day for me...and in two days ,my entire life will be changing soon. I have decided to move on from my high profile job for various reasons which even if I want to express, I dont have the bandwidth to do so . This job has hijacked my life over the last few years and I was living, breathing and enjoying it . And yet I made the choice . Very rationally . In a couple of days ,its all over . CTRL. ALT. DEL. I feel numb and tired . Nothing else

I found this excerpt from my diary written a decade ago and somewhere I think this echoes my rationale for this move

April 4,1996
Moods are like winds; they keep changing directions so quickly. Sometimes they are so still like the calm before the storm or they keep blowing all over the place making me feel restless. I begin my day determind to be positive and happily contended .But by the end I feel so low and lonely and strangely fear of something grips me .I cant sleep .I feel restless and tired .I dont know why I am afraid, of what I am afraid . I constantly pull myself up,derive strength from within,but it keeps sinking..

Today the sky painted with a myriad of evening colours emerged with a pattern of its own. Every second the colours and the patterns kept changing and though subtle, I could see myself reflected through the change . Before you know it the crimson and blue becomes grey and black. Gloom envelopes.

But against this natural scene were the tall dark ugly buildings with flashy lights trying to comepte with nature . As buildings keep growing trying to threaten the sky, man seems to tell nature that I am slowly reaching your status . But the more higher he goes, the more lower he feels. The sky goes further and he is finally enveloped by it. Man can never reach that high in life .

I remember words of Dick Francis . When we climb up to reach our heights in our career we think the climb is only a formality . But the goals suddenly keep going further from our clutches and we reach a certain peak in our lives . Happiness then comes not from looking up to see how much we still got to struggle, but looking down to see the beautiful view we have got for ourselves . Ambition is one thing ;contentment is another. Strangely in our abstract way, the latter is more harder to obtain .

And my ambition would be to get that .

Flashback ...

Throwing junk is a metaphoric experience for me ..Its always helped me to clear the junk in my life, to purge my mind and wake up fresh ..

So while I was clearing the junk in my cupboard , I came across two small pocket books.One of them was like a note pad where I used to jot down quotes,poetry ...what ever I liked from many book I read .

The other was my diary where I had penned my thoughts 12 years ago ...I was amazed at the relevance of those thoughts even today and also at my ability to write effortlessly though I wont say its great writing.Those were the days when I dreamt I will be a writer and a journalist and fancied my writing skills . Today I write , but there are just words and not much of feelings encased in them.

Since I am incapable of feeling, expressing and writing my current thoughts , I am going to post some excerpts from my diary

The first one is a poem written in January 7-8 1996, 2 am

Like withering flowers my eyes droop
I trace the caress of a finger.
Waking up in a strange land
A silent tune haunts me
My eyes are still asleep.
The world is painted in black and white
A green patch blinds me.
I roll along the blue waves
My mind flows and ebbs;
I camouflage into many hues
I dont know what I am dreaming.
One disjointed image forms my life
And yet, Life is still a dream

I ask myself a question
Am I dreaming life ?
Thoughts drain my mind
Wordless emotions clog it.
I ask myself a question
Is my life wrapped in blankets ?
My body is in a cradle
My feelings are rocking it ..
I pace across the room and think
Yesterday didnt exist
Tomorrow never comes.
My mind begins to ebb
Life gently sleeps...

I'm just a mindless corpse
Who forgot how to think.
I ask myself a question
Am I asleep or awake ?