Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Flashback - 2

Today has been a mixed day for me...and in two days ,my entire life will be changing soon. I have decided to move on from my high profile job for various reasons which even if I want to express, I dont have the bandwidth to do so . This job has hijacked my life over the last few years and I was living, breathing and enjoying it . And yet I made the choice . Very rationally . In a couple of days ,its all over . CTRL. ALT. DEL. I feel numb and tired . Nothing else

I found this excerpt from my diary written a decade ago and somewhere I think this echoes my rationale for this move

April 4,1996
Moods are like winds; they keep changing directions so quickly. Sometimes they are so still like the calm before the storm or they keep blowing all over the place making me feel restless. I begin my day determind to be positive and happily contended .But by the end I feel so low and lonely and strangely fear of something grips me .I cant sleep .I feel restless and tired .I dont know why I am afraid, of what I am afraid . I constantly pull myself up,derive strength from within,but it keeps sinking..

Today the sky painted with a myriad of evening colours emerged with a pattern of its own. Every second the colours and the patterns kept changing and though subtle, I could see myself reflected through the change . Before you know it the crimson and blue becomes grey and black. Gloom envelopes.

But against this natural scene were the tall dark ugly buildings with flashy lights trying to comepte with nature . As buildings keep growing trying to threaten the sky, man seems to tell nature that I am slowly reaching your status . But the more higher he goes, the more lower he feels. The sky goes further and he is finally enveloped by it. Man can never reach that high in life .

I remember words of Dick Francis . When we climb up to reach our heights in our career we think the climb is only a formality . But the goals suddenly keep going further from our clutches and we reach a certain peak in our lives . Happiness then comes not from looking up to see how much we still got to struggle, but looking down to see the beautiful view we have got for ourselves . Ambition is one thing ;contentment is another. Strangely in our abstract way, the latter is more harder to obtain .

And my ambition would be to get that .

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

There is nothing like high profile job. you were doing the job and you like it. wish you get the job you like and enjoy doing it.Don't question your abilities i did that mistake and my world around me crumbled. No job is like your previous job as no day is like your previous day. keep enjoying the life.

RustyNeurons said...

All the best! It might be scary to look forward and it is not easy to go on the unknown path that does not hold any promise.. If you have made the decision, then brace yourself for the journey ahead. Just ride with the waves. I am sure you will find contentment.

cummerbund said...

Hey, just visiting your string of blogs... Whatever you do, just keep travelling. Could give anything, to see as much as you have seen. Keep clicking! There is a thin line between giving something up and escape, selon moi.

backpakker said...

@Anonymous - I'm enjoying life - thats why I took the decision ..and no,Im not questioning my abilities at all...infact am very happy with what Ive done ,but like I have written,you need to leave at the right time .Thanks
@ Rusty Neurons - It seems a bit scary, but Im happy and letting life take its own path..Ive some thoughts, but the dust has to settle down.Thanks for dropping by
@Cummerbund-welcome to my blogs ..Im a traveller always and be it life or to some place, I enjoy the journey .Thanks and do come more often