Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Its been a regular week . Just a bit of rains, some work and yes, Ive been eating a lot of chocolates and chaats. And I havent been walking or hitting the gym and have been putting on weight. But you know what , Ive been meeting people. So, I met this guy, very smart and successful. I dont really knows what he does, but he seems like he knows what he is doing, which I guess is more important today.

But I found two things interesting. One, he was always tucking in his stomach when he speaks and was trying very hard to have this faraway , dreamy look in his eyes and you could see he was actually uncomfortable with himself and was probably worried about the way he was being perceived. But then, he was the centre of attraction. He carefully chose what he wanted to say. His topics could range from the Tundra to the local gossip in the film industry. Yet, he was trying very hard not to sound intellectual or trashy. He knew how to modulate his voice, wait for the right pauses and make the right noises. You know what I was thinking , dear diary..that was here was a man who made trivia , a knowledge .

Later over a drink, I stopped him when he was trying to tell me about a rare quality of gene in man that could make them fly. Ok,I just made that up. But his trivia was always like that, something which could be interesting,(ahem!) rare and unusual and often generated oohs and wows from people..but then at the end of day, he acknowledged that it was just useless trivia. It didnt really open anybody's horizon and would be either drowned in the drinks in the party or at the most be shared in another party. But then, I asked him what motivated him to collect these trivia..after all, no quizzer will ask him such questions .

He humoured me for a moment and asked , " Havent you heard of conversation currency ? " he went on to explain how diligently he read and combed the net to find such information that was not in circulation and the rarer and the less credible it is , it worked for him. " You need to shock people, not just interest him, it opens doors , you know. " I just heard a door close on me, when a phone rang. It was R on the line..I was surprised dear diary that he called me after 6 months . And then he went on to say " Hey listen, how are you doing ? I need a help. Am off to a party tonight and I need some gossip, anythg..filmy, media, fashion..meeting some people you time to prepare ..." Since when did people start preparing to go for parties , I wondered as I hung up the call on this newspaper editor.

Well, there were more interesting people that I met but I will tell you later. A friend is coming over for dinner now and I actually have to prepare - food !

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Who are these faces ?

Dear diary,

Everyday I wade through life meeting countless faces ,rubbing many a shoulder and shaking several hands, before walking home to enjoy my own private space . While some of these social meets are pure networking opportunities, many times, I have met people with whom I share similar wavelengths or can enjoy a laugh or even share a personal moment. Sometimes these moments become intimate - not necessarily physical, but also emotional and then I do not know what to call these relationships. For want of a better word, I call them friends .

And then there are people who are around me all the time. People who are related to me, is married to me, who has nurtured and managed me, people with whom I share a bond, And I call them family.

Sometimes there is a blur between the two, when friends become family and family become friends. But then to me, that doesnt matter. I remember when I was 17 and I was still in high school. I made a promise to myself - that I will try and be independent - financially, mentally or intellectually and even emotionally. While I have managed the same to a large extent, the emotional bit has always been a bit challenging. And that is when I learnt not to have too many expectations, except to people with whom one Ive been extremely close to. And these are people, Ive learnt to trust and believe in over the years and very few friends , besides family belong here, And even then, my dear diary, I have maintained a certain discretion - as they are individuals first and then my parent ,sibling or spouse.

But this is not to say that friends are secondary. There are times when I have leaned on them and they on me , but then neither can be a permanent crutch for the other. I have gotten up and moved on several times and have been grateful to my friend for being there and I have also offered myself as a crutch when the need arises. But then, dear diary, there is a difference between being there and being used na.and very often the lines are blurred as we are dealing with feelings here . Yes, I have been used and thrown and there are times that I have used, but I believe that I havent thrown anyone as yet..but then I am also human . I do not believe in formulae, my dear diary..

But then I refuse to believe that anyone unconditionally offers themselves to the other - be it friends or family. There is always a need that one is satisfying - be it loneliness or a feel good factor or just a selfish need to feel special and cared for, or show off to the world that you are loved and cared for . I think its also a hidden urge to prove to oneself that one is not really alone and hence the success of so many social media sites that seek to satisfy this gratification. You know, as Im writing this , there is probably a desire inside me that someone out there is reading me and nodding their heads ..

I have always been a private person and even though many people think that I am quite social and an extrovert, I draw a line when it comes to me and people. Be it family or friends, I realize that 9 out 10 people I meet and have met in my life are mere acquaintances. I am happy to share a conversation with them, laugh with them, crib to them, spend some time with them, even let them touch my life to a certain extent , listen to them, offer myself as a crutch to them, but then I draw a boundary . Call it a safety net, but it has worked for me.I go that far and no further. And I avoid favours for that brings in emotional dependency, because it weakens me further and creates a false sense of obligation. In rare cases I have opened my doors to strangers and very few have actually become part of my life . Most of the time, the relationship has either drifted away, in some cases, it has failed . But what I often realize is that when i have had have zero or little expectations of people, especially friends, then the relationship survives .

Expectations I realise only sets the field for disappointments , which in turn result in failure. Sometimes when my emotions for someone are not too deep, then the disappointment does not really affect me and that I believe comes with emotional maturity. I have faltered many a time here , but then I realize that my emotional investments on people have also been very low. This is probably one of the reasons that I do not go out for parties, or prefer big groups of friends or care for attending marriages and social dos. If I feel like connecting to the people I want to connect, I just pick up the phone or drop them a line or meet them over for lunch. And then I am done, until the next time the need arises.

And believe me, everything is a need - emotional, intellectual or physical. As we evolve, our needs change and with it , our circle of friends and family. Ive often seen the pattern in which people seek out each other. While many are out of sheer attraction,lonely people look for their types and intellectuals find their own group.But who are these faces ? What do they actually mean to us ? Do they just gratify our immediate need or give us a sense of belonging or a sense of security that we are not alone..Do we really need them ? And if we do, where and how do we draw the line..