Locked..

locked in concentric circles
I'm a frozen idea
a magnet without its force
a routeless road that leads nowhere
a corpse forced to breathe

buried by the dust
my mind caves in
layer by layer, my zest erodes-
a speck, a hollow identity
lost to the world.

tossed by the wind
i lie in ur grip
a dusty dot, a dead weight
hanging onto u
seeking the essence of life.

wrapped in this fold
i cling onto ur shoulder
a possessive grip, an unfelt emotion-
a bond that frees me
but holds u captive.

caught in this web
u shrug me off
a chaff, a burden
a thin thread of emotion
that breaks, freeing u
but i lie, a slit kite

Delusion

The coin keeps spinning
It can never lie on its side
Rotating on its rim
It just cannot stop .
You tossed me up too
And I fell into this mire
Deluded, I'm caught
In a maze with no routes
I see a harsh shaft of light
Your shadow falls on me
As unreal as my pursuit
Its chasing me .
Questions punctuate me
Your reply is my escape
The chase is finally over.
I am where I am.
Maybe I was dead within you
But life has caught on with me.

Flashback ...

Throwing junk is a metaphoric experience for me ..Its always helped me to clear the junk in my life, to purge my mind and wake up fresh ..

So while I was clearing the junk in my cupboard , I came across two small pocket books.One of them was like a note pad where I used to jot down quotes,poetry ...what ever I liked from many book I read .

The other was my diary where I had penned my thoughts 12 years ago ...I was amazed at the relevance of those thoughts even today and also at my ability to write effortlessly though I wont say its great writing.Those were the days when I dreamt I will be a writer and a journalist and fancied my writing skills . Today I write , but there are just words and not much of feelings encased in them.

Since I am incapable of feeling, expressing and writing my current thoughts , I am going to post some excerpts from my diary

The first one is a poem written in January 7-8 1996, 2 am

Like withering flowers my eyes droop
I trace the caress of a finger.
Waking up in a strange land
A silent tune haunts me
My eyes are still asleep.
The world is painted in black and white
A green patch blinds me.
I roll along the blue waves
My mind flows and ebbs;
I camouflage into many hues
I dont know what I am dreaming.
One disjointed image forms my life
And yet, Life is still a dream

I ask myself a question
Am I dreaming life ?
Thoughts drain my mind
Wordless emotions clog it.
I ask myself a question
Is my life wrapped in blankets ?
My body is in a cradle
My feelings are rocking it ..
I pace across the room and think
Yesterday didnt exist
Tomorrow never comes.
My mind begins to ebb
Life gently sleeps...

I'm just a mindless corpse
Who forgot how to think.
I ask myself a question
Am I asleep or awake ?

I wonder if ...

I wonder if
I will wake up early tomorrow
my day will be good
there is no traffic on the roads
I'm doing the right thing
I will say the right thing
the bud will bloom
I have a good sense of humour
I am missing something
I am good
I am considered good
it will rain tomorrow
I can control my emotions
My judgement is right
I will laugh tomorrow
there are no cribs
I will get a migraine
the book will be read at all
I have friends
I'm weak
I will lose weight
I can actually start learning to trust people
My laptop will work
I will get the right people
I am pretending
I can control myself
I believe in myself
I'm taken for granted
My plans will work
It will be cold
I'm focussed
I am overreacting
I can stop SMSg
Sleep well tonight
I will stop feeling the way I am feeling
I can ever get over it
there are solutions
I'm fighting the battle alone
I'm happy