Impressions of a mind

Hi ! I am the mind of an eight year old ..maybe ten ..but I think I have not evolved beyond that . Many decades have swept past, but I am still young . No, I am not childish or immature ..Ive learnt to think ,understand, accept and express..but some of my impressions have not changed..they are what they are when they were eight years old. These impressions are about people , places and events that are recorded ..the adult mind tried to supress me sometimes or merge the perspectives..but I think my impressions are clear.They are recorded in black and white and I am going to tell you what I think.

My first impressions were about good vs bad people. Goodness was associated with kind, affectionate and loving people who gave us gifts, spoke nice words and made us laugh. Bad was associated with people who were rude, jealous, get angry often , selfish who refused to help when in need and were often indifferent. We didnt know what arrogance, cunning and cheating was then . These were just the parameters to judge good or bad.

I was told that I was good when I was silent, smiled , studied well and listened to elders and bad when I got angry and screamed, behaved badly (never knew what that really meant), didnt get 10/10 and refused to listen .Then there were good manners and bad manners. I didnt know if I was a good or a bad child, but always felt that there was always someone better than me . So, I gave up competing (Or did I ? Or is the adult mind in me talking ?)

This post is dedicated to Kamalee , one of my close friends who has been after me to write ..and my mind is now racing..So I dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing

(To be continued ..)

A day in his life

The swagger, the smile. He was born with it. The arrogance, the attitude. He loved to flaunt it.

A beam of the morning sun fell scross his face . With a violent jerk, he pulled the curtains apart. The soft rays filled his room . He glared back at the sun. He knew his gaze was more powerful. He cannot have a competitor in his lifetime. He was the rising sun

He knew he was going to win..he had known it always.Luck or skill, he didnt care . He was always told that he was a winner and he let everyone know that . The losers didnt just lose just money or fame, for he made sure that they lost their self respect, their strength . "Never allow them to rise . They should never be able to rise, his scheming mentor told him ." He didnt believe in mentors either. They were there till he needed them - just another gratification

He had it all and he knew he never had to work for it. He simply claimed it . Others just bore his burden .

He smiled. It was a smirk . He mocked destiny. It was in his control. He loved it all. The adulation, the adoration , the admiration. The applause still rang in his ears.

The sky changed colours. Blue,pink, purple,black. The colours of life. Time moved. On the other hand, time stood still . He walked into the room. The curtain was drawn .Silence strangled him. He sat on the edge of the bed and the tears rolled. Sobs pierced through the silence. Like a hungry animal, the scream erupted from his insides and ripped through his throat . A savage cry .He raved, roared and fell in agony..he lay drained, his head covered under the pillow, his face drenched by his tears and sweat. Silence . He knew it then. He had it all yet he had nothing

Eyes

She couldnt get over those pair of eyes. They haunted her . Cold, glassy, harsh. ..She averted her eyes as the gazes met . Sharp and steely they pierced through her almost cutting her insides.

It was a beautiful, innocent face ..Soft, fair and childlike. But a face that you wouldnt give a second glance , a face easy to forget amongst the millions that we face everyday..Yet those eyes made the face unforgettable ..

Something told her that the eyes did not belong to the face . The lips curved into a smile, but the eyes burnt like fire . A glare that almost burnt her face as she looked into them .

She closed her eyes and lay back ..thinking about the day, people who have made her day and those who didnt ..And only the eyes stared back..Was there a hurt she saw , an anger that spoke through them , a cruel act that was witnessed ? She would never know because she had never asked ..And the face became faceless except for those eyes..

Sleep beckoned .

Dreams, desires and death

Pijush has tagged me again and this time its about dreams and desires that I want to fulfill before I die ... I have a lot of them,so hopefully death will wait awhile- a morbid thought indeed..but kal kya ho kisne jaana ?

1. Travel - I will start with the obvious and this will be the longest ..as a vagabond, all I want is the heavens above and a road below ..and while I want to travel and see as many places as possible, some are must . Amongst international destinations, I want to go to the Mediterranean including Greece, Italy and Egypt , UK (must see Keats' home and country houses that PG Wodehose describes in his books) and France .

In India, I want to visit Lakshwadeep, Ladakh, Himachal and Uttaranchal and Rajasthan , especially the palaces, forts and the hevelis . I want to trek to Gangotri and Gomukh and the Valley of Flowers .I also want to visit Rameshwaram, Thanjavur , Karwar and travel down the Buddhist trail . I want to see as many wild life sanctuaries as possible and see a tiger at least once in the wild. I want to learn names of all Indian birds and learn to identify them in the wild .

2. Roots - I want to get in touch with my roots and understand more about my ancestors. I want to go to as many villages as possible and see where my ancestors came from and go back in time.I will include my husband's family as well in this quest

3.Live in a small town/ village - I want to live away from the city , in a small Utopia that exists ..

4.Take my parents to The Himalayas . Especially my mother .

5.My dream company - My vision . I want to set it up and see it grow . I want to be an entrepreuner .

6.Write - I want to write a book - the story of the people I have met in my life ..I want to pursue my literary interests again..

7.My dream home - This is a bit materialistic..but I want to have a dream home tucked away in a corner..a small cottage built in ethnic style , with envirnoment friendly materials with huge trees and gardens and streams flowing around ..with birds and fish giving me company

8.Cook - I want to be a good cook !

9.My nature - I want to learn to be calm and patient and control my temper

10.My death - I want to live ...and live life to the fullest and I want my friends and family around me always

Tagged - Why I write what I write

Rusty has made my rusted grey cells think a bit ...so here I am asking myself why I do what I do...I am supposed to put my thoughts on writing ...so here goes .Ive tried to be as spontaneous as I can be .

Why Write ?

Its like breathing ..It makes me feel that I am alive . I write as its the most natural, spontaneous thing to do...It eases a clogged mind..Its instant gratification , like ice cream ..above all its an addiction . It helps me keep in touch with my core self and gives form to the various facets within me . It creates a picture that exists only in my mind ..Its like a waterfall , where words just burst forth creating a sequence , sometimes drawn by an invisbile force ..Its like what Keats said - That which is creative must create itself !

When to write ?

In the loo, while asleep ...no, I am not joking. Writing is just not putting words to paper or screen ..its also putting words to an abstract thoughts that keep raising their heads . I believe that there is no fixed time to write ...just keep your mind awake and let the words flow

What to write ?

Truth is stranger than fiction ! Sometimes its the truth thats hidden deep in the subconscious thats more interesting than stories.. Yet , I write about life ..the frailities and the foibles, the small ,insignificant experiences , the joy of discovery , people who matter and who didnt, memories that refuse to go away and places that are etched forever in our mind and opinions that you want others to hear .. I paint the picture thats in my mind at that point of time ..

How to write ?

Spontaneously . There is always a better word for every thought and expression , but sometimes the joy of writing goes away in just searching for the right word. Its like a dream man or woman of your life ..they dont exist ..I like words that have a feel about them, that create imagery ..that evoke feelings . Mere adjectives dont mean a thing ..Keep it simple and short .

Who to write for ?

For myself ideally . But sometimes you need readers and therefore for all those who appreciate my thoughts and my writing ...

Do I tag ?

I dont know...maybe there are readers out there who may want to pick this up..but I dont feel like forcing it down anyone

crib session with a running nose

Im back in bangalore- my biggest crib..How I hate this city

Ive have a running nose and a light bout of the flu

There are carpenters and painters all over the house and there is a lot of noise

I cant even go for a bath

I have missed my yoga class today

I still havent had breakfast

The maid came early and left early without washing my clothes or buying fresh vegetables

The fridge is filled with old vegetables and I cant cook - have to go to my inlaws place for lunch

I want to curl up and sleep with an agatha christie and I cannot

I just want to sleep..after all medicines induce you to

I wish I hadnt come back to bangalore

More lessons amongst a lot of noise

Three golden rules

1.Self restraint
2.Never assume anything or assume you can take anyone for granted
3.Zero expectations

Lessons in solitude

I woke up today to realize one universal truth .That you are always alone ...in your happiest and your most miserable moods, in your strongest and weakest moments, in your thoughts, in your worries, in your actions , in your decisions , in your dreams , in your desires, in your sleep, in birth, in death, in life ...and i think im beginning to understand that

Powerful emotions ..

I often wonder whats the most powerful emotion - love, lust, greed, fear ...I think its insecurity .

Holiday

Im off on a holiday - why do I need a holiday when I am anyways on a holiday ? Well, I need to celebrate and blow up some hard earned money .Im tensed and yet relaxed and I hope to see you all after a while ...until then ..

Locked..

locked in concentric circles
I'm a frozen idea
a magnet without its force
a routeless road that leads nowhere
a corpse forced to breathe

buried by the dust
my mind caves in
layer by layer, my zest erodes-
a speck, a hollow identity
lost to the world.

tossed by the wind
i lie in ur grip
a dusty dot, a dead weight
hanging onto u
seeking the essence of life.

wrapped in this fold
i cling onto ur shoulder
a possessive grip, an unfelt emotion-
a bond that frees me
but holds u captive.

caught in this web
u shrug me off
a chaff, a burden
a thin thread of emotion
that breaks, freeing u
but i lie, a slit kite

Celebrating the ordinary

This is the story of a dull day. A day which is not good or bad, but just dull. A day bereft of emotions . A day which has indifference written all over it .

A day which breaks at 7 am and ends at 11 pm . The maid walks in 8.30 am and leaves at 9.30 am. The husband leaves at 9.40 am and the door closes on me at 10.10 am .

It’s a day where nothing changes. The same roads, the same noise, the same files, the same names . It’s a day where everything is always the same .

It’s a day where work happens without you knowing it, without you doing it. A day dedicated to patterns .

It’s a day where the punctuations are there at the right places and the cycle rotates by itself. It’s a day I don’t see the clock ; for time is neither ahead or behind me. It’s a day with no memories , no thoughts ,no feelings.

To many others, it may well be an ordinary day, but to me, it’s a day that keeps me going. It’s a day that lets me feel that there are good and better days in store. It’s a day that shelters me from bad days.

It’s a regular day that brings in its wake more such dull days , like a loaf of bread with identical slices .

An ode to the simple mechanics of life – to be consistent and uniform, without even trying to be .

And that to me, makes every dull day a special day

Delusion

The coin keeps spinning
It can never lie on its side
Rotating on its rim
It just cannot stop .
You tossed me up too
And I fell into this mire
Deluded, I'm caught
In a maze with no routes
I see a harsh shaft of light
Your shadow falls on me
As unreal as my pursuit
Its chasing me .
Questions punctuate me
Your reply is my escape
The chase is finally over.
I am where I am.
Maybe I was dead within you
But life has caught on with me.

Flashback - 3

IN my life so far,most of the things have happenned by default and not by design- be it in career,relationships, achievements and failures . I have this unshakeable belief in fate and life and thats completely positive . I have made my decisions alright , but even that I believe is not out of design . Very often I say I take the call when to get out of something , but getting something and getting into it -life has always dropped them on my lap - both bouquets and brickbats .More of the former than latter . And in such scenarios,there is no room for decisons . They just happen .

In continuation with my flashback series , here is another excerpt
9/10/95
Life follows a pattern of its own. Sometimes I feel that I am led somewhere by the reins .But all of a sudden, there is a rut. A stop . And then stagnation .Until the moment comes when small surprising incidents land in your lap,totally out of the blue . There are these special sudden surprises that are so insignificant and yet so vital for us to believe in life . I believe that there is a future. Sometimes events just ride past me and I am lost in a maze as life gallops,tossing me in whirlpools . And then I dissolve slowly, agonizingly . Its like applying brakes suddenly on the highway as the signal appears from no where and then you dont know why and for how long you need to stop.

Tomorrow never begins from where todays ends. yesterday was totally different from today.Isnt life an adventure ? You plan,organise, decide and think you are in total control of your life . And yet you do not know who controls you ....

Flashback - 2

Today has been a mixed day for me...and in two days ,my entire life will be changing soon. I have decided to move on from my high profile job for various reasons which even if I want to express, I dont have the bandwidth to do so . This job has hijacked my life over the last few years and I was living, breathing and enjoying it . And yet I made the choice . Very rationally . In a couple of days ,its all over . CTRL. ALT. DEL. I feel numb and tired . Nothing else

I found this excerpt from my diary written a decade ago and somewhere I think this echoes my rationale for this move

April 4,1996
Moods are like winds; they keep changing directions so quickly. Sometimes they are so still like the calm before the storm or they keep blowing all over the place making me feel restless. I begin my day determind to be positive and happily contended .But by the end I feel so low and lonely and strangely fear of something grips me .I cant sleep .I feel restless and tired .I dont know why I am afraid, of what I am afraid . I constantly pull myself up,derive strength from within,but it keeps sinking..

Today the sky painted with a myriad of evening colours emerged with a pattern of its own. Every second the colours and the patterns kept changing and though subtle, I could see myself reflected through the change . Before you know it the crimson and blue becomes grey and black. Gloom envelopes.

But against this natural scene were the tall dark ugly buildings with flashy lights trying to comepte with nature . As buildings keep growing trying to threaten the sky, man seems to tell nature that I am slowly reaching your status . But the more higher he goes, the more lower he feels. The sky goes further and he is finally enveloped by it. Man can never reach that high in life .

I remember words of Dick Francis . When we climb up to reach our heights in our career we think the climb is only a formality . But the goals suddenly keep going further from our clutches and we reach a certain peak in our lives . Happiness then comes not from looking up to see how much we still got to struggle, but looking down to see the beautiful view we have got for ourselves . Ambition is one thing ;contentment is another. Strangely in our abstract way, the latter is more harder to obtain .

And my ambition would be to get that .

Flashback ...

Throwing junk is a metaphoric experience for me ..Its always helped me to clear the junk in my life, to purge my mind and wake up fresh ..

So while I was clearing the junk in my cupboard , I came across two small pocket books.One of them was like a note pad where I used to jot down quotes,poetry ...what ever I liked from many book I read .

The other was my diary where I had penned my thoughts 12 years ago ...I was amazed at the relevance of those thoughts even today and also at my ability to write effortlessly though I wont say its great writing.Those were the days when I dreamt I will be a writer and a journalist and fancied my writing skills . Today I write , but there are just words and not much of feelings encased in them.

Since I am incapable of feeling, expressing and writing my current thoughts , I am going to post some excerpts from my diary

The first one is a poem written in January 7-8 1996, 2 am

Like withering flowers my eyes droop
I trace the caress of a finger.
Waking up in a strange land
A silent tune haunts me
My eyes are still asleep.
The world is painted in black and white
A green patch blinds me.
I roll along the blue waves
My mind flows and ebbs;
I camouflage into many hues
I dont know what I am dreaming.
One disjointed image forms my life
And yet, Life is still a dream

I ask myself a question
Am I dreaming life ?
Thoughts drain my mind
Wordless emotions clog it.
I ask myself a question
Is my life wrapped in blankets ?
My body is in a cradle
My feelings are rocking it ..
I pace across the room and think
Yesterday didnt exist
Tomorrow never comes.
My mind begins to ebb
Life gently sleeps...

I'm just a mindless corpse
Who forgot how to think.
I ask myself a question
Am I asleep or awake ?

Moving on ..

A silent scream ripped her throat . A scream that was soaked with her suppressed anger, hurt and misplaced affection . The scream ended all that loud cacophany of voices that were thundering in her mind. There were no coherant thoughts or words that could express them . The scream . It was voiceless . Her world was encased in silence .

The anger - she directed on herself . A lack of judgement after so many years . The world she realized was divided into two kinds of people - hypocrites and fools ; the manipulators and the manipulated .

The distant hum of rain grew louder in her ear drums drowning her own thoughts It had created quite a pattern on her window pane . Drops of water flowed down , washing the dust that had etched their mark on the glass . She looked outward . The cars were going in different directions . A new perspective , a cleaner look . She picked up the jigsaw puzzle and realized that it was not worth solving .

The End or The Beginning ?

In life I believe everything comes with an expiry date

Choices

I have selected CTRL ALT DEL

Quo Vadis ?

I'm perched high and I need to fly away , go on a long journey ...Its autumn in my life and the leaves have fallen,only for spring...but do I need to fly away or wait for spring in this branch ? Where do I go from here ?

Life @my finger tips

There are three keys holding on to my life just now and I need to take a decision NOW to press one of them

Enter
Esc
CTRL ALT DELETE

The twilight zones..

The sky exploded into a cocktail of colours … gold, crimson, orange with a dash of pink ….. only to be engulfed by the twilight clouds, dark and menacing.

In a moment- there were only the streaks of golden and crimson set against the dark background . it looked like the setting sun was refusing to give up its abode .

I like the twilight zone …its beautiful and sad. A momentary burst of clours, a grand protest by the sun before giving up , a few golden moments snatched away by the night .

It’s a transition phase signifying change .It does not last long and yet it makes an impression …. A certain poignancy is reflected in the moment .

I can count the many twilight zones in my life …if only they were permanent and not allowed the nights to shroud them .

June 4

A strange sense of peace settles in ...its strange as I cannot fathom whether this is peace . Yet I know I have made the choices that I wanted to make and I know I have made the right choice

Life throws in a few surprises sometimes ..this time it surprised me myself ...

June 4 is an important day in my life ... 7 years ago and even now ...I feel a grip on myself and I know its not me holding on to me ...

Today -

I love to travel ,but hate to arrive
-Albert Einstein

Society is divided into two polished hordes
- The Bores and the Bored

Thought for the day

The right to swing your arm ends where another man's nose begins

I've thrown caution to the winds...

The breeze brushes past my cheek ... a soft caress that trickles down . I can feel the rush of emotions ......I cant contain myself anymore as I feel the touch of the first rain drops on my face ..The wind lifts me out of this mire as the rain washes my thoughts away... I rushed out to feel the moments... I'm lost to the world ...A song in my heart , a spring in my step...I want to feel the rain touch my mind and body and leave a new me ...

I walk in the rain and I walk down memory lane ...years younger as I tug at the rain laden leaves to shower rain on me .I let the rain purge my soul , drown my worries and wash my memories

Its raining in bangalore ... Its beautiful and I dont want to let go this moment .I love life ...I've thown caution to the winds...I want to feel every moment of my life and live it ..

State of mind today

Addicted
Restless
Confused
Sleepy
Resolved

My beliefs

A rolling stone gathers moss
Ask and it shall be considered
There are many fish in the sea
Love is a conflict of reflexes and reflections
The best way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it

She and I

She tried to sleep .It was a futile exercise .She closed her eyes and she kept hearing her own voice

Everyone was around her …and yet she felt alone . She was loved and cared for and yet she felt lost and lonely , weak and vulnerable, confused and hurt

She felt like screaming aloud. The silence ripped through her throat , She screamed silently – again and again

I could hear her screams ..I tried reaching out to her … She has everything and yet she is on the verge of losing everything

She needs a grip. I am still trying to hold on to her

She ..

The candle flickered . Like her mind. She looked inward for a moment - a captive of her own emotions and actions . …is she answerable to anyone ?

She looked at herself again – another persona emerged. Someone she could not recognize, understand or condone .

The choices were in front of her .She knew that she had to kill the other to live her life again .

Love is a conflict between reflexes and reflections . She had read that somewhere . She read it again in her life now .

She made the choice. She now needs to live with it - to live with herself again

A wake up call in life..

I often wonder if I'm dreaming or I'm living . I wake up wondering which is the real thing . In my dreams, I live and my life is what others tell me that they dream about . I have the same dream everyday . Blue sky which explodes into a mosaic of colours . Its the touch that wakes me up . A touch that is so familiar, but I cant put a face to it ...My mind is a bit stormy . I can feel the churn of emotions inside. The touch is soothing, reassuring . Its from within . I need a wake up call in my life .

Me..

I am a vagabond. I enjoy being one. My mind wanders even while I am not traveling. I am not unstable nor am I lost; just that I am restless,constantly seeking new things ; but my mind does not linger beyond a while on anything .I often wonder what eggs me on...not money or fame,ambition or success ...its not just to fill up the hours every day . I have given my soul ,energy, myself in pursuit of something I dont know. I've enjoyed those hours ,but I feel there is something unreal about them. Its not me out there . Today I want to stop.I want this restlessness to be contained . I realized I have lost myself in the midst of all of this. It took me just a few hours to get in touch with myself to realize what I have been missing ...Its not loneliness, or a sense of feeling alone. Its a great sense of calm, listening to the thoughts racing in my mind,meditating on the flow, talking to myself and being in touch with my core being I dont want to get lost, but I want to lose myself in this moment . A moment of togetherness , with myself

Fear...

Fear is an emotion I've grown with . A fear of the unknown and the known , of someone, something that probably never exists .
I often ask myself what I'm afraid of - people, places, the unfamilar, a sound, a thought ... .
I've been afraid of ghosts since I was a kid , I'm still scared of sounds, I avoid horror movies...
I'm scared of the dark shadows, of darkness ..
I'm also afraid of greed, of power , of ambition and of praises ..Its an unnerving feeling .
I'm afraid of silence . I'm scared of being alone .
I have also had my silly fears . I'm scared of lizards, dogs, of geysers and strange bathrooms, of lifts and creaking staircases .
But amidst all these I'm scared of my failures , my thoughts ,my actions . I'm scared to face myself .

A bundle of contradictions

I was told that my sun sign makes me an earthy element and my moon sign says I'm fire . I dont understand astrology and neither myself . Earth and fire do not get along they say - earth can put down fire . Am I putting myself down ? Is there a conflict in me ?

I wonder if ...

I wonder if
I will wake up early tomorrow
my day will be good
there is no traffic on the roads
I'm doing the right thing
I will say the right thing
the bud will bloom
I have a good sense of humour
I am missing something
I am good
I am considered good
it will rain tomorrow
I can control my emotions
My judgement is right
I will laugh tomorrow
there are no cribs
I will get a migraine
the book will be read at all
I have friends
I'm weak
I will lose weight
I can actually start learning to trust people
My laptop will work
I will get the right people
I am pretending
I can control myself
I believe in myself
I'm taken for granted
My plans will work
It will be cold
I'm focussed
I am overreacting
I can stop SMSg
Sleep well tonight
I will stop feeling the way I am feeling
I can ever get over it
there are solutions
I'm fighting the battle alone
I'm happy

I dont know...

I've deleted almost close to 385 emails ...all dated last year .Mostly junk,newsletters , message . I've retained a few - some advices, holiday packages . There was just one from a friend who had sent in his new contact details . I've spent close to a couple of hours doing this . I wondered if I was jobless or lost . Or maybe I could priortise something else. Maybe some shopping.cleaning the wardrobe which I told myself three weeks ago. Or prepare for tomorrow's work. Or just talk to a couple of friends. But its just me doing this in silence in company of some music. Its like a mission accomplished . I feel like I've purged myself. Sent out junk from my life , threw out the unwanted and ready to feel wanted I feel like I'm on the threshold of change . I want change and I dont know where and how to look for it. Should I seek it within myself or around me ?

Life rocks

The last few weeks have been chaotic . I’ve hardly had the mind space to look at when and how life swept past me …I was reading a blog the other day and the author was writing about how life puts us on a toy horse and make us believe that we are moving and yet ,the horse has been static and in just one place …I have been moving allright ---- back and forth and time has moved past me . But my life has not moved. I have not evolved or grown . Just remained static and living in an illusion .This is what corporate life does to us . Gives us challenges, lures us with money and throws jargon and philosophy on us. Gives us the illusion that we are moving ahead , growing but just rocks us back and forth and puts us back in the same place. ….

memories

Its pouring in Bangalore and its well past midnight . I am becoming an insomniac . The echo of the thunder keeps interrupting the silence . Or else the silence is deafening . I can just hear my fingers go tup tup on the keyboard .Memories are choking my mind today . Not letting me sleep of people I have never seen for years , of incidents and memories of my self ,my emotions ,my reactions .. I 'm tired of these memories chasing me . Words fail ...elsewhere the echo is heard .

The crab ...

The night lay bare and silent. Potent in all its nakedness. It was nature’s own canvas spread over the once vacant blue sky. A sheath of silver, dark and yet bright. With its own tinge of glamour, like the city it enclosed. Sometimes, the sky was like an open ramp, each dim model , twinkling in her raw beauty , like a star. It was the night sky that beckoned her.
She smiled, as the moon fought its way out from the clouds. To her , it was a personal victory. Clouds of memories had choked her, as she struggled to shrug them off. The moon stood alone in its brilliance .The pursuit was in vain. She will not let her past catch up with her .
The voices kept recurring. They were ghosts haunting her from the recesses of her mind. Piercing the gentle breeze, there were like car horns shrieking through the silent road. It was the sea that had toned her down. Restless waves bathed her mind –life cannot always flow, there has to be an ebb sometime. She leaned on the rocks. The water tickled her feet . She recreated the scene in her mind.
She had almost hurt herself that night . He had been right behind her. And yet, he had walked ahead as she called out to him. “Surely, you can manage on your own, “ he had said . She had by then recovered from her fall. She smiled, looking at the thin outline of the moon . It was that look… She thought it was forever . The moon slipped again. This time, she knew it will take a long time to emerge from the clouds. He will never be with her again.
The veil soon lifted itself. The waves were hitting an all time high . Swept with passion, the foam caressed the surface, lashing at the waves. Raw and rhythmic . To her, it was a mere ritual. She likened herself to the rocks, locked in an embrace that had freed itself a long time ago. She watched as love retreated; yet another relationship cracked on the rocks . Strangers replaced friends who had become strangers and the cycle repeated itself. She thought for a moment .
The crab had climbed onto the rock. They had heard the splash together. The crab had lost its hold. They had forgotten about it. He had brought her to see the crab. The crab, was there bathed in moonlight . Relationships, she realized are often like that – the essence forgotten , the joy of being there, together gone . It was all in the mind, he had said. They met, very often, in groups. But the crab swam, forgotten.

Grammar of life

Life is a series of semicolons.If you wish to put a fullstop, just delete the comma and if you wish it to continue, simply erase the fullstop. Punctuate your life the way you want it. The grammar of life lies with you

She....

She had no idea where to begin. She was not even sure if she wanted to begin from somewhere. Aspirations flitted in and out of her mind ; nothing strong enough to tempt her, drive her , to make her chase a fleeting shadow. Her life, they said was complete, in every aspect. But she knew otherwise. And yet she did not know where to begin. The thought that was eluding her , refusing to pin her down She paused for a moment and looked inward . The sounds were familiar. Faint and far away , uneven yet continuous. It did not matter. They did not intrude on her thoughts , nor did they bring any memories . It was a reminder - of the cyclic, the mundane , the routine and the mechanical .These sounds do not bother her anymore . Silence does, sometimes , but not these sounds . Three decades of her life swept past her and now it was all eternity to gaze upon. There were those punctuations, some at the right time and some , not always at the right time. The bright mornings, the chirpy birds, the laughter and the gossip came and went like the noisy vehicles on the street below. Faint and far away , uneven and yet continuous . I like that refrain, she thought with a smile. The fingers thrashed the keyboard , a different sound. An unwelcome visitor, a calling that you are not yet ready for . Inevitable , she told herself as she shut her mind and left . The fingers thrashed the keyboard , a different sound . I stopped for a moment and thought about her . So different and yet so similar. Like the sounds . Traveling through my thoughts, I discovered her. I do not know when she slipped into my mind and now, I am searching for that elusive thought that is refusing to pin me down.

Me and my self

I have a split personality. Me and my persona. And she is not me She comes into the scene only when I try to express myself – in writing or in conversation. My thoughts are no longer mine ; she chooses the words carefully, She interrupts my thoughts often , sometimes she makes me think the way she does . A very thin line of confusion divides us. Sometimes, I think I have some clarity as far as our roles are concerned . Maybe its me who does all the thinking and she, the expressing. She is probably a better packager of words, emotions and gestures . She knows what to say, when and how. She does her job well at my workplace .At home, I try to shove her away and my communication suffers , more than often. I am uncomfortable having her about . I also get defensive with her around. I know when she dictates or rather suppresses my views. She says they sound better her way and it does not matter to her if I think like her. That is the dilemma , for its not me who is talking or writing my lines . The expression is wrong , according to my thoughts .But she is right , politically, I mean. I’m not sure I like her. I’m also not sure if I am like her. But she is here with me and has been editing this piece of writing all the way long. I hope I got my communication across