My mind is brimming with a series of disconnected thoughts and emotions. They are disconnected because there seems to be no logical connection between each other. My mind is hyperactive .
Following one's thoughts is like walking into a maze..sometimes you do not have a way out and yet, its an interesting journey . A thought abruptly ends or disappears or merges with another thought. Sometimes a completely different stream of thought picks up from where one leaves( I choose not to use the word ends, as I do not believe there is an end )and moves on to another thread.
Here is an attempt to follow and express one of my thoughts which seemed to have a flow..I think I managed to track this down the maze and here it is...
I woke up this morning trying to stay positive - weed out negative thoughts, influencers and triggers. It wasnt meant to be. My mind was pregnant with a lot of worries and cares. Fear found its place in it- fear of facing pain, dealing with the aftermath of pain and a sense of futility and fighting alone. I was confused and wondered if I wanted to go through this. I didnt have an answer to it.It was pulling me down . I needed strength and I wasnt sure where to find it. Something told me that it was probably lurking inside me . A minor disappointment added to it. I realized that my mind had lost its ability to deal with NO's. I needed my safety net.
I walked up to the lake, hoping to lose myself in the crowd. While I was tempted to seek solitude, sometimes feeling alone in a crowd gives you the same feeling. As I was walking,listening to the voice of nature, I saw myriad feet walk along with me..some walking towards me, some walking away from me. I didnt look up to see the faces as the momentum of the feet fascinated me . There was a movement in life, of people walking along, chugging their own burdens, their worries, their joys , their little moments carrying on with life.
A gentle breeze stroked me, brushing against my hair, almost lifting me from the surface of earth. I felt like I was travelling outside my body .Like sand particles, the breeze dusted my cares away.The sky was covered with small puffy clouds huddled together,creating another pattern as the sun tried to peep outside and look down on earth
I watched the ripples on the lake . Each one was erased by another,while more ripples formed, overwriting each other. And yet, the lake flowed in peace, calm and quiet,feeding the birds, the fish , the insects . The breeze mischievously disturbed the patterns but the lake seemed to create it all over again.
I paused after an hour of walking and looked at the momentum in nature. The whole world seems to tell me that I was just a microcosm in this entire universe and my cares are probably too microscopic to be even ackowledged. They were one of the many ripples on the lake, constantly erased by the powers of nature. And its only us humans that make a big deal about a single negative moment, a bad day or a minor disappointment . Nature just erases them without bothering to analyse or even think about them.
I moved on realizing that I have to do what I have to do, go through what I have to go through and move on...
Just remembered Frost, " In three words, I can sum up what life is.It goes on."