Thought for the day

The right to swing your arm ends where another man's nose begins

I've thrown caution to the winds...

The breeze brushes past my cheek ... a soft caress that trickles down . I can feel the rush of emotions ......I cant contain myself anymore as I feel the touch of the first rain drops on my face ..The wind lifts me out of this mire as the rain washes my thoughts away... I rushed out to feel the moments... I'm lost to the world ...A song in my heart , a spring in my step...I want to feel the rain touch my mind and body and leave a new me ...

I walk in the rain and I walk down memory lane ...years younger as I tug at the rain laden leaves to shower rain on me .I let the rain purge my soul , drown my worries and wash my memories

Its raining in bangalore ... Its beautiful and I dont want to let go this moment .I love life ...I've thown caution to the winds...I want to feel every moment of my life and live it ..

State of mind today

Addicted
Restless
Confused
Sleepy
Resolved

My beliefs

A rolling stone gathers moss
Ask and it shall be considered
There are many fish in the sea
Love is a conflict of reflexes and reflections
The best way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it

She and I

She tried to sleep .It was a futile exercise .She closed her eyes and she kept hearing her own voice

Everyone was around her …and yet she felt alone . She was loved and cared for and yet she felt lost and lonely , weak and vulnerable, confused and hurt

She felt like screaming aloud. The silence ripped through her throat , She screamed silently – again and again

I could hear her screams ..I tried reaching out to her … She has everything and yet she is on the verge of losing everything

She needs a grip. I am still trying to hold on to her

She ..

The candle flickered . Like her mind. She looked inward for a moment - a captive of her own emotions and actions . …is she answerable to anyone ?

She looked at herself again – another persona emerged. Someone she could not recognize, understand or condone .

The choices were in front of her .She knew that she had to kill the other to live her life again .

Love is a conflict between reflexes and reflections . She had read that somewhere . She read it again in her life now .

She made the choice. She now needs to live with it - to live with herself again

A wake up call in life..

I often wonder if I'm dreaming or I'm living . I wake up wondering which is the real thing . In my dreams, I live and my life is what others tell me that they dream about . I have the same dream everyday . Blue sky which explodes into a mosaic of colours . Its the touch that wakes me up . A touch that is so familiar, but I cant put a face to it ...My mind is a bit stormy . I can feel the churn of emotions inside. The touch is soothing, reassuring . Its from within . I need a wake up call in my life .

Me..

I am a vagabond. I enjoy being one. My mind wanders even while I am not traveling. I am not unstable nor am I lost; just that I am restless,constantly seeking new things ; but my mind does not linger beyond a while on anything .I often wonder what eggs me on...not money or fame,ambition or success ...its not just to fill up the hours every day . I have given my soul ,energy, myself in pursuit of something I dont know. I've enjoyed those hours ,but I feel there is something unreal about them. Its not me out there . Today I want to stop.I want this restlessness to be contained . I realized I have lost myself in the midst of all of this. It took me just a few hours to get in touch with myself to realize what I have been missing ...Its not loneliness, or a sense of feeling alone. Its a great sense of calm, listening to the thoughts racing in my mind,meditating on the flow, talking to myself and being in touch with my core being I dont want to get lost, but I want to lose myself in this moment . A moment of togetherness , with myself

Fear...

Fear is an emotion I've grown with . A fear of the unknown and the known , of someone, something that probably never exists .
I often ask myself what I'm afraid of - people, places, the unfamilar, a sound, a thought ... .
I've been afraid of ghosts since I was a kid , I'm still scared of sounds, I avoid horror movies...
I'm scared of the dark shadows, of darkness ..
I'm also afraid of greed, of power , of ambition and of praises ..Its an unnerving feeling .
I'm afraid of silence . I'm scared of being alone .
I have also had my silly fears . I'm scared of lizards, dogs, of geysers and strange bathrooms, of lifts and creaking staircases .
But amidst all these I'm scared of my failures , my thoughts ,my actions . I'm scared to face myself .

A bundle of contradictions

I was told that my sun sign makes me an earthy element and my moon sign says I'm fire . I dont understand astrology and neither myself . Earth and fire do not get along they say - earth can put down fire . Am I putting myself down ? Is there a conflict in me ?

I wonder if ...

I wonder if
I will wake up early tomorrow
my day will be good
there is no traffic on the roads
I'm doing the right thing
I will say the right thing
the bud will bloom
I have a good sense of humour
I am missing something
I am good
I am considered good
it will rain tomorrow
I can control my emotions
My judgement is right
I will laugh tomorrow
there are no cribs
I will get a migraine
the book will be read at all
I have friends
I'm weak
I will lose weight
I can actually start learning to trust people
My laptop will work
I will get the right people
I am pretending
I can control myself
I believe in myself
I'm taken for granted
My plans will work
It will be cold
I'm focussed
I am overreacting
I can stop SMSg
Sleep well tonight
I will stop feeling the way I am feeling
I can ever get over it
there are solutions
I'm fighting the battle alone
I'm happy

I dont know...

I've deleted almost close to 385 emails ...all dated last year .Mostly junk,newsletters , message . I've retained a few - some advices, holiday packages . There was just one from a friend who had sent in his new contact details . I've spent close to a couple of hours doing this . I wondered if I was jobless or lost . Or maybe I could priortise something else. Maybe some shopping.cleaning the wardrobe which I told myself three weeks ago. Or prepare for tomorrow's work. Or just talk to a couple of friends. But its just me doing this in silence in company of some music. Its like a mission accomplished . I feel like I've purged myself. Sent out junk from my life , threw out the unwanted and ready to feel wanted I feel like I'm on the threshold of change . I want change and I dont know where and how to look for it. Should I seek it within myself or around me ?

Life rocks

The last few weeks have been chaotic . I’ve hardly had the mind space to look at when and how life swept past me …I was reading a blog the other day and the author was writing about how life puts us on a toy horse and make us believe that we are moving and yet ,the horse has been static and in just one place …I have been moving allright ---- back and forth and time has moved past me . But my life has not moved. I have not evolved or grown . Just remained static and living in an illusion .This is what corporate life does to us . Gives us challenges, lures us with money and throws jargon and philosophy on us. Gives us the illusion that we are moving ahead , growing but just rocks us back and forth and puts us back in the same place. ….

memories

Its pouring in Bangalore and its well past midnight . I am becoming an insomniac . The echo of the thunder keeps interrupting the silence . Or else the silence is deafening . I can just hear my fingers go tup tup on the keyboard .Memories are choking my mind today . Not letting me sleep of people I have never seen for years , of incidents and memories of my self ,my emotions ,my reactions .. I 'm tired of these memories chasing me . Words fail ...elsewhere the echo is heard .

The crab ...

The night lay bare and silent. Potent in all its nakedness. It was nature’s own canvas spread over the once vacant blue sky. A sheath of silver, dark and yet bright. With its own tinge of glamour, like the city it enclosed. Sometimes, the sky was like an open ramp, each dim model , twinkling in her raw beauty , like a star. It was the night sky that beckoned her.
She smiled, as the moon fought its way out from the clouds. To her , it was a personal victory. Clouds of memories had choked her, as she struggled to shrug them off. The moon stood alone in its brilliance .The pursuit was in vain. She will not let her past catch up with her .
The voices kept recurring. They were ghosts haunting her from the recesses of her mind. Piercing the gentle breeze, there were like car horns shrieking through the silent road. It was the sea that had toned her down. Restless waves bathed her mind –life cannot always flow, there has to be an ebb sometime. She leaned on the rocks. The water tickled her feet . She recreated the scene in her mind.
She had almost hurt herself that night . He had been right behind her. And yet, he had walked ahead as she called out to him. “Surely, you can manage on your own, “ he had said . She had by then recovered from her fall. She smiled, looking at the thin outline of the moon . It was that look… She thought it was forever . The moon slipped again. This time, she knew it will take a long time to emerge from the clouds. He will never be with her again.
The veil soon lifted itself. The waves were hitting an all time high . Swept with passion, the foam caressed the surface, lashing at the waves. Raw and rhythmic . To her, it was a mere ritual. She likened herself to the rocks, locked in an embrace that had freed itself a long time ago. She watched as love retreated; yet another relationship cracked on the rocks . Strangers replaced friends who had become strangers and the cycle repeated itself. She thought for a moment .
The crab had climbed onto the rock. They had heard the splash together. The crab had lost its hold. They had forgotten about it. He had brought her to see the crab. The crab, was there bathed in moonlight . Relationships, she realized are often like that – the essence forgotten , the joy of being there, together gone . It was all in the mind, he had said. They met, very often, in groups. But the crab swam, forgotten.

Grammar of life

Life is a series of semicolons.If you wish to put a fullstop, just delete the comma and if you wish it to continue, simply erase the fullstop. Punctuate your life the way you want it. The grammar of life lies with you

She....

She had no idea where to begin. She was not even sure if she wanted to begin from somewhere. Aspirations flitted in and out of her mind ; nothing strong enough to tempt her, drive her , to make her chase a fleeting shadow. Her life, they said was complete, in every aspect. But she knew otherwise. And yet she did not know where to begin. The thought that was eluding her , refusing to pin her down She paused for a moment and looked inward . The sounds were familiar. Faint and far away , uneven yet continuous. It did not matter. They did not intrude on her thoughts , nor did they bring any memories . It was a reminder - of the cyclic, the mundane , the routine and the mechanical .These sounds do not bother her anymore . Silence does, sometimes , but not these sounds . Three decades of her life swept past her and now it was all eternity to gaze upon. There were those punctuations, some at the right time and some , not always at the right time. The bright mornings, the chirpy birds, the laughter and the gossip came and went like the noisy vehicles on the street below. Faint and far away , uneven and yet continuous . I like that refrain, she thought with a smile. The fingers thrashed the keyboard , a different sound. An unwelcome visitor, a calling that you are not yet ready for . Inevitable , she told herself as she shut her mind and left . The fingers thrashed the keyboard , a different sound . I stopped for a moment and thought about her . So different and yet so similar. Like the sounds . Traveling through my thoughts, I discovered her. I do not know when she slipped into my mind and now, I am searching for that elusive thought that is refusing to pin me down.

Me and my self

I have a split personality. Me and my persona. And she is not me She comes into the scene only when I try to express myself – in writing or in conversation. My thoughts are no longer mine ; she chooses the words carefully, She interrupts my thoughts often , sometimes she makes me think the way she does . A very thin line of confusion divides us. Sometimes, I think I have some clarity as far as our roles are concerned . Maybe its me who does all the thinking and she, the expressing. She is probably a better packager of words, emotions and gestures . She knows what to say, when and how. She does her job well at my workplace .At home, I try to shove her away and my communication suffers , more than often. I am uncomfortable having her about . I also get defensive with her around. I know when she dictates or rather suppresses my views. She says they sound better her way and it does not matter to her if I think like her. That is the dilemma , for its not me who is talking or writing my lines . The expression is wrong , according to my thoughts .But she is right , politically, I mean. I’m not sure I like her. I’m also not sure if I am like her. But she is here with me and has been editing this piece of writing all the way long. I hope I got my communication across