Of late I seem to lack the urge to write ; some thoughts however force themselves out in the form of words. As I write this post however, it is about 24 minutes to go for the clock to announce that we have a new year on us. And does that really matter ? Well, yes and no. As humans, we need to live on hope and hope we shall that the coming year will undo the ills of the last year.
2012 has been a terrible year in terms of health. And I have fought a barrage of emotions in my head - from anger, cynicism, fear, lack of faith, insecurity. Sometimes I would prefer to just shut myself from the outside world and just maintain pretenses for the sake of it. However, as the year moved on, I learnt to fight my own battles. I learnt to let go of most of the negativity and accepted the bit that still floated around. I am/was no saint, but today there is a sense of quiet as I write this post.
This phase interestingly has made me more of an observer than a participant. I have been quiet and pensive and listening, reading and watching more than screaming my lungs out . I did speak about my ill health to some people, but some of these well meaning folks were rather bored to hear about it and advised me to think "positive" . Well, that was a week after my second surgery and my third hospitalisation, with the doctor announcing that I had at least another aurgery to go. So, I decided to shut up; however am grateful to a few friends and family who have been with me .
The problem has not gone away ; it wont - its a chronic issue but I am pretty much as normal as I can be; except when the pain strikes every month. Travel gave me back my strength and confidence and also a realistic sense of how much I can push myself.
But something has snapped inside me. I do not know what it is but I have no space , emotionally or otherwise inside me to fight any other battle, but my my own. Thankfully, I just have to deal with the pain and the uncertainty of when it would strike and I need to understand my body and go with the flow.
I am absolutely blank when it comes to any plans, mantras , resolutions or aspirations this year. Frankly I have none. I am just taking each day as it comes and hoping it will keep me busy and chirpy.
The gang rape of the Delhi girl has shaken the entire country and the nation is finally seeing a war cry from its citizens. I have lent a silent voice to the protest but I do hope 2013 will see us women being secure and stronger with a responsible government at the helm. I have very strong views on this subject, but that is for a different post.
Its six minutes into 2013 already and I wish you all health, strength and power. Above all, a clarity in thought and purpose, which is what I am wishing for myself.