100th post - Can I be her ?

I started Monologues around the same time I started Backpacker. But while the traveller in me was quick to share, the persona living inside me was not always in a mood to write. Despite that, 99 posts have been written and I feel compelled now  to write my 100th , although I have no thoughts or topics in my mind .

Monologues is not really a monologue...it is actually a conversation . It is between her and me and we share  a bond. We wrote whenever we felt an impulse to say something. It has always been impulsive and personal to a large extent, except that it is often not me , who is speaking .

I created a persona inside me , a " She" who said a whole lot of things and somewhere within her was a bit of me as well. My first post on the blog started with her and initially it was always her, pushing her voice through my fingers, eager to be heard until she vanished inside me. She observed, she dictated, she ranted, she cried . Then one fine day she disappeared, leaving me to deal with my own emptiness .

I continued trying to express my thoughts and feelings, but could never find her..And the thoughts seemed rather forced and deliberate.

I look for her in vain. She is silent, dormant and will not raise a voice. Cold, and indifferent to the world around her now, I wonder if I can possibly recreate her. Until then, I am left with neither monologues nor conversations.

Lemonaid or lemonade ?

I have been travelling non stop since last August and while I was enjoying my journeys, my body , mind and soul craved for a detox. But I didnt expect it to come this way - it became a self imposed exile of sorts courtesy Murphy.

So what do you do when life gives you lemons ? Would you prefer tequilla or lemonade or lime tea ? Or would you use the lime as a medicine to prevent you from throwing up ?  However , the post is not so much about whining and cribbing about Murphy's ways , but more to do with the way I have reacted when life gave me some lemons .

I panicked a bit, but then I was preoccupied. I woke up thinking nd slept thinking about the problems. My conversations were limited, my thought process frozen and my social life nil. However I did not react in any other fashion. I was silent, passive, working mechanically, finishing every day mundane chores, taking each day as it comes and waiting for the phase to pass. I removed as much as possible negative influences and influencers from around me. If I did not find anything positive to hold on to, I tried to remain indifferent pretending I am stoic.

One by one, things straightened themselves and some issues fizzled out, while others hung around, in an inactive state .I learnt patience, discovered fear, rediscovered spirituality, found support and  learnt to disconnect more than to connect. However the energy inside me is dormant, probably a wee bit dead now as I am drained dealing with them..Although I turned inward, I did not introspect .I just went blank or empty. Today, when someone called me and asked me, " Whats up " I realized I had nothing really to say..The slowing down may have cleansed me a bit of my worries and tensions, but I suddenly feel the emptiness inside me. Its like the danger has passed or is passing, but I lie wasted...probably I need more time for myself to find my mojo back