Acceptance...

Some say its better to be positive, some say its easier to forget, some suggest to hang in there, some advice that it will soon pass.  The last three months have been really trying and it doesnt seem to end. I alternate between phases of positive and negative moments and trying to cope with it by going on with the normal things that one does in life. However Ive realized that the only way to deal with any bad phase is to just deal with it..coming to terms with it, accepting it and being clinical about it. And believe me, it is the most difficult thing to do. You dont resign yourself to fate but just let the moment come and go, most importantly to go.

I often read poetry when I am down and out. And this is one that keeps me going

"Be still sad heart cease repining
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into some life some rain must fall
Some days must be dark and dreary."

- The Rainy Day, Longfellow

100th post - Can I be her ?

I started Monologues around the same time I started Backpacker. But while the traveller in me was quick to share, the persona living inside me was not always in a mood to write. Despite that, 99 posts have been written and I feel compelled now  to write my 100th , although I have no thoughts or topics in my mind .

Monologues is not really a monologue...it is actually a conversation . It is between her and me and we share  a bond. We wrote whenever we felt an impulse to say something. It has always been impulsive and personal to a large extent, except that it is often not me , who is speaking .

I created a persona inside me , a " She" who said a whole lot of things and somewhere within her was a bit of me as well. My first post on the blog started with her and initially it was always her, pushing her voice through my fingers, eager to be heard until she vanished inside me. She observed, she dictated, she ranted, she cried . Then one fine day she disappeared, leaving me to deal with my own emptiness .

I continued trying to express my thoughts and feelings, but could never find her..And the thoughts seemed rather forced and deliberate.

I look for her in vain. She is silent, dormant and will not raise a voice. Cold, and indifferent to the world around her now, I wonder if I can possibly recreate her. Until then, I am left with neither monologues nor conversations.

Lemonaid or lemonade ?

I have been travelling non stop since last August and while I was enjoying my journeys, my body , mind and soul craved for a detox. But I didnt expect it to come this way - it became a self imposed exile of sorts courtesy Murphy.

So what do you do when life gives you lemons ? Would you prefer tequilla or lemonade or lime tea ? Or would you use the lime as a medicine to prevent you from throwing up ?  However , the post is not so much about whining and cribbing about Murphy's ways , but more to do with the way I have reacted when life gave me some lemons .

I panicked a bit, but then I was preoccupied. I woke up thinking nd slept thinking about the problems. My conversations were limited, my thought process frozen and my social life nil. However I did not react in any other fashion. I was silent, passive, working mechanically, finishing every day mundane chores, taking each day as it comes and waiting for the phase to pass. I removed as much as possible negative influences and influencers from around me. If I did not find anything positive to hold on to, I tried to remain indifferent pretending I am stoic.

One by one, things straightened themselves and some issues fizzled out, while others hung around, in an inactive state .I learnt patience, discovered fear, rediscovered spirituality, found support and  learnt to disconnect more than to connect. However the energy inside me is dormant, probably a wee bit dead now as I am drained dealing with them..Although I turned inward, I did not introspect .I just went blank or empty. Today, when someone called me and asked me, " Whats up " I realized I had nothing really to say..The slowing down may have cleansed me a bit of my worries and tensions, but I suddenly feel the emptiness inside me. Its like the danger has passed or is passing, but I lie wasted...probably I need more time for myself to find my mojo back 

2012 is here

Another year and another birthday in a few days..This has almost been my refrain at the dawn of every year.The day has indeed been warm and pleasant and my fingers are typing to the rhythm of the Irish song, Star of the County Down. I promised myself for the nth time that I will write more often in this blog and so, here is my half hearted attempt to put pen to paper.

2012 just looks like a mass of statistics, an ascending order of numbers  that make up for a calender. As I wonder what is in store for me, I am reminded of my professor P Sainath who used to say that as students, it is left to us to make the most of his class. In a similar vein, it is very much up to us to make the most of 2012, irrespective of what the Mayans thought.

I have no clear goals or resolutions this year and as always, I prefer to go with the flow,  but this year Ive decided to set a broad list of guidelines for me. In other words, I am trying to get a bit disciplined , bring in a balance, a method to the madness in my life. .

I would like to bring down the negative influence in my life - that begins with my own negativity inside me - my thoughts and my actions, my temper and my impatience . And I am going to avoid all negative people like the plague. People who throw their insecurities, their inadequacies, their anger and jealousy on me are out of my life.

I need a bit of discipline around me, be it fitness or my approach to work . Less is more - that will be my mantra for everything, including travel . It is not applicable to reading and writing.

And finally good health, good cheer , fitness and loads of energy. ..If I can achieve these even to a bare mimimum, 2012 will be just the year for me