Have you had those conversations when you cry from the heart and the other argues with the head ? Its the most futile ever conversation. The day just ends with depleted emotions and an empty heart and a tired soul.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Pretence
She looked at the mirror and smiled. But she saw the tear stained face, the emptiness written all over it. She saw the broken pieces of whatever was left of her reflecting in the mirror, crumbled and powdered , stamped and flung around. She reached out into the deep abyss inside her and saw a crushing emptiness, a block of negativity that pushed her against the wall . The mirror showed her the truth. There were no doors, no windows, not even a keyhole of hope and happiness . She took a kaleidoscope and looked inside her and she saw pieces of her rejected and thrown. She stared hard at the mirror now. It smiled back at her. Reality is harsh. The whole world celebrated. Beside her was one part of her world, oblivious to her pain and hurt , snoring in the dark. She typed in the white screen. Happy New Year. The mirror chided her. Stop pretending, it said.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
And so a year ends
For the first time in the last four years, ever since I took a sabbatical from corporate life and grappled through some wonderful and truly depressing phases in my life, I am actually looking forward to a whole new year .
2011 in many ways was one of my best years in recent times, 2010 coming a close second and 2009 being particularly a very bad phase. Nevertheless , am looking forward to 2012 , although the buzz doing the rounds is all about recession and a financial melt down.
For starters, Ive never felt so self assured like this in a very long time. Phases of identity crisis, lack of growth, no sense of direction, judgement lapses wrt people, bad health phases and sudden depletion of financials dogged me over the last four years ever since I quit my high paying , seven digit salaried job in media.
My world was my job then and I prided myself on my successes and rubbished my failures. The highs and lows never worried me as I moved from one job to another, from one challenge to another. My days were always busy then .I would have no time to think except on the job.
But soon I was just becoming a zombie , a programmed robot doing the job. But when I quit, I just became a malfunctioned robot who suddenly realized that there was a mind and a brain and I promptly put them to all the wrong use . I thought too much and worked myself into a frenzy. I realized what joblessness would do.
Ive never made friends during my professional life - just colleagues and ex colleagues and as a rule, I believe that they are not synonyms for friends. And so, in my solitary phase of life, I often spoke to myself and to a group of new found friends from the online world whom I believed were friends. But then , I forgot that facebook friends are not the real friends and hence I suffered some serious lapse of judgement wrt quite a few of them.
However amidst all this, a couple of wonderful things happenned. A love for the road, to seek new worlds, to immerse myself into new cultures took over my life and I put my frenzied hyperactive soul from a soul searching mode to a discovery mode. Only this time., I found new worlds through my journeys and shared it with the world through my blog and articles. The journey in my head moved on to the real world and I stopped plaguing myself with questions relating to existentialism and decided to live for the moment . Ironically I realized that throughout my professional life, I was doing just that - living, working for the moment and moving on to the next phase that gave me a sense of high. And I missed that during my sabbatical. But the passion for travelling fitted well into the urge of seeking new challenges .
I still needed to connect and travel writing then helped me reach out to the world at large . I found several like minded people .We discussed stories and travels , but therein I drew the line. The written word stood between me and the people on the other end with whom I shared many conversations ; but bereft of any emotion. Once bitten twice shy, I told myself.
So what brings me to welcome 2012 ?Nothing really has changed. I am still living a solitary world, typing alphabets on to a white screen, having conversations with myself through this laptop and thinking that am probably connecting to people on the other side of this internet world. I still dont have answers to my existential questions and my bank balance has completely depleted . But then I have my road laid out in front of me and I will walk down its path and I will let it lead me wherever it takes me . And I will tell my stories , no matter who reads or reacts.
2011 in many ways was one of my best years in recent times, 2010 coming a close second and 2009 being particularly a very bad phase. Nevertheless , am looking forward to 2012 , although the buzz doing the rounds is all about recession and a financial melt down.
For starters, Ive never felt so self assured like this in a very long time. Phases of identity crisis, lack of growth, no sense of direction, judgement lapses wrt people, bad health phases and sudden depletion of financials dogged me over the last four years ever since I quit my high paying , seven digit salaried job in media.
My world was my job then and I prided myself on my successes and rubbished my failures. The highs and lows never worried me as I moved from one job to another, from one challenge to another. My days were always busy then .I would have no time to think except on the job.
But soon I was just becoming a zombie , a programmed robot doing the job. But when I quit, I just became a malfunctioned robot who suddenly realized that there was a mind and a brain and I promptly put them to all the wrong use . I thought too much and worked myself into a frenzy. I realized what joblessness would do.
Ive never made friends during my professional life - just colleagues and ex colleagues and as a rule, I believe that they are not synonyms for friends. And so, in my solitary phase of life, I often spoke to myself and to a group of new found friends from the online world whom I believed were friends. But then , I forgot that facebook friends are not the real friends and hence I suffered some serious lapse of judgement wrt quite a few of them.
However amidst all this, a couple of wonderful things happenned. A love for the road, to seek new worlds, to immerse myself into new cultures took over my life and I put my frenzied hyperactive soul from a soul searching mode to a discovery mode. Only this time., I found new worlds through my journeys and shared it with the world through my blog and articles. The journey in my head moved on to the real world and I stopped plaguing myself with questions relating to existentialism and decided to live for the moment . Ironically I realized that throughout my professional life, I was doing just that - living, working for the moment and moving on to the next phase that gave me a sense of high. And I missed that during my sabbatical. But the passion for travelling fitted well into the urge of seeking new challenges .
I still needed to connect and travel writing then helped me reach out to the world at large . I found several like minded people .We discussed stories and travels , but therein I drew the line. The written word stood between me and the people on the other end with whom I shared many conversations ; but bereft of any emotion. Once bitten twice shy, I told myself.
So what brings me to welcome 2012 ?Nothing really has changed. I am still living a solitary world, typing alphabets on to a white screen, having conversations with myself through this laptop and thinking that am probably connecting to people on the other side of this internet world. I still dont have answers to my existential questions and my bank balance has completely depleted . But then I have my road laid out in front of me and I will walk down its path and I will let it lead me wherever it takes me . And I will tell my stories , no matter who reads or reacts.
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